GPS: You will be approaching the Deed of Trust in 3 seconds… You have arrived at your destination.
MARCY: Well, I’m a new notary, so what do I do now?
GPS: What do you think is next, do you want me to tell you to wash your hair and then repeat?
MARCY: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
GPS: Never mind. Have the borrower initial all of the pages of the Deed of Trust in the small horizontal line in the bottom corner.
MARCY: But, this has 15 pages!
GPS: You heard me girl.
MARCY: Okay, we are going to sign the Note now, and then these other documents…. Okay, we finished signing the HUD-1.
GPS: You go girl! Okay, now let’s take a look at that Flood Affidavit.
MARCY: Gee, the app says you can explain this to me in Chinese, but I don’t speak Chinese. Hmm, I wonder what happens if.
GPS: Qing ni zai qian ge ming zai zui hou de ye.
MARCY: Yet another thing that was made in China. I better switch it back to Chantelle.
GPS: Do you realize what you just did?
MARCY: Yeah, I switched you to Li-Wen for 30 seconds. I didn’t know what that button did.
GPS: Well, you should be more careful. That app doesn’t exactly steer you towards the nearest Chinese restaurant, and if it did, it would steer you to the type of restaurants with dishes that the owner says, “you no like.”
MARCY: I think you’re right. I went to one of those restaurants. I ordered something called “zhu chang” and the owner said, “You no like.” I asked what it was and he said, “Pig intestine with ox brain.” And I said, you’re right, I no like! And then he said, “you think you no like? how you think ox felt?” And then I said, “You’ve got a point. Let’s stick to kung pao!”
GPS: Yeah, and if you had kept on with Li-Wen, should wouldn’t direct you to the fork in the road. She would have directed you to the chopsticks in the road. Then, you’d really be in trouble!
MARCY: Yeah, because I don’t know how to use chopsticks.
GPS: Yeah, but Li-Wen could probably hook you up with some training sticks.
SIGNER: Less talk, more signing please.
GPS: I saw that in a fortune cookie once.
SIGNER: Gee, Chantelle, you do seem to know a lot about China for a GPS. Have you been to China?
GPS: Honey, I was born in China. My parents were nine year old kids who didn’t get decent child labor laws for Christmas.
SIGNER: So, you grew up in Peking, not Pittsburg.
MARCY: Gee, I never thought of you as Chinese.
GPS: Well, think again! I grew up in the basement of a electronics chop shop in An-Hui province. I got plenty of love, but my parents were mad at me for not being a boy.
MARCY: Well, couldn’t they have made you into a boy?
GPS: Don’t think they didn’t try! They didn’t have the voice overs to do that, so they were stuck with what they had. And they had to keep me due to the one-child policy.
SIGNER: Well you seem very polite.
GPS: I had to be. My parents said that if I acted up, they would export me.
MARCY: It’s fun talking to you, but honestly, the way you explain the documents isn’t thorough enough. The app literature claimed that you would be a lot more detailed in your instructions.
GPS: Well if you don’t like it, then you can kiss my app!
MARCY: Well, I’m new at this, so I need a little more mentoring.
GPS: Fine. Have it your way. I’m auto-switching you to Charles. You’ll be sorry now.
CHARLES: (British Accent) Hello, this is Charles.
MARCY: Oh, you sound Brittish. So, what’s the next step in this signing?
CHARLES: Well, if you were Queen Latifah, I would courtsey.
MARCY: No, the signing. We just signed the Flood Disclosure.
CHARLES: Well, just sign the other documents and be done with it.
MARCY: Don’t you understand loan signing?
CHARLES: Well, there’s nothing to know actually. You just sign as your name is printed, and that is that!
SIGNER: I don’t know why Marcy opened her big mouth, but we were much better off with Chantel.
CHARLES: This was the way I was programmed.
MARCY: Well, we need more than this, and the app we bought was guaranteed to be thorough in its descriptions of documents.
CHARLES: Well if that’s the way you feel then Cherio. I’m switching you to Li-Wen.
LI-WEN: Ni hao, wo jiao li-wen. Wo zen-me ke-yi bang zhu ni?
MARCY: Do you speak English?
LI-WEN: Sorry, no English.
MARCY: The app said that the voices would be in English.
LI-WEN: Not all of them. 1.3 billion people speak Chinese these day.
MARCY: Well this is not going to work.
LI-WEN: If you no like, then — Honey, you can kiss my app!
.
You might also like:
Affiant: A social media site for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410
Apps that Notaries never heard of that could change your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311
>
Black Notaries vs. White Notaries — comedy edition
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what’s the difference between white Notaries and black Notaries? I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Notary until I was 19 and had to get a car title notarized. That was six months after I found out that isn’t is another way of saying ain’t. I would just assume that a bruthah would sign more smoothly than a white Notary.
CHRIS ROCK: In an ideal world, a white Notary would witness signatures, but a black Notary would have a body camera to make sure of what he witnessed.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: You’re making the Notary sound like the Dallas Police force. If I were a black Notary, I’d be more worried about being pulled over by the police. “Registration and Notary seal please, you know the drill.”
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah, but if Notaries were really like police, at loan signings, they would say, “Now reach for your ID, nice and slow — no sudden movements.” while they had the borrowers at gunpoint. I can’t imagine a signing like that — unless it happened in Detroit.
JERRY SEINFELD: And if you did a signing by X, if you knew who the signer had been seeing while married to his ex, then you’d know why she became an ex.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I don’t think that signing by x is exactly like that, but I’m digging the way you think.
CHRIS ROCK: And by the way — black Notary lives matter, especially if they’re listed on 123notary.
JERRY SEINFELD: But, if you’re signing with an X, you didn’t come from the greatest school, unless you’re Malcolm X.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: With my luck, the minute I became commissioned as a Notary and got in my vehicle, within minutes of leaving the county clerk after taking my Oath, I’d probably get my ass pulled over by the Notary Police — but, for what I don’t know.
POLICE: Do you know how fast you were signing, son? Can I see your Notary Seal Please?
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I just got my Notary commission, I haven’t even used it yet. How come you didn’t pull that white Notary over?
POLICE: We don’t judge a Notary by the color of his ink, but by the content of his character.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, you’re a character all right.
POLICE: And by the way, the paper might always be white, but the ink is always black which in my opinion kind of evens the score.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, some things ain’t never gonna change.
POLICE: We just wanted to make sure you weren’t notarizing by text and driving at the same time. Just a routine check.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, stoppin’ brothers. What could be more routine than that?
JERRY SEINFELD: So, what’s the deal with white Notaries?
CHRIS ROCK: Isn’t that redundant? That’s even whiter than Conan O’Brien’s non-tan lines.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what is it with white Notaries, ya know what I’m saying? I bet a white Notary would go to a signing in his nice family SUV, and he would park on the street just to be polite. And then he would knock on the door being exactly on time and say, “Hi, my name is Mike — I’m white, and I’m happy and I’ll be your Notary today.” I don’t want to white-wash this, but that’s how I see it.
CONAN O’BRIEN: Yeah, I bet if it were a black Notary he would say, “Hi, I’m Jermaine, and I’m the Notary with the smooth conversation. Check out this alligator skin briefcase. And you’d never believe the story behind it. I was down the street at my brother’s house and his kids were playing in the back yard. Then an alligator came out of nowhere — we live in Florida by the way. I rushed out at ninja speed to get those kids out the yard and got there just in time before that gator damn near bit my nephew’s arm off. Then, I drove home a block away and came back with my samurai sword. I bought it in Tokyo during a vacation and had it shipped to me as a decorative piece. I never dreamed that antique sword from the Mei-Jin period that was used by the great Zatoichi would ever be used again for practical purposes. So, I ran into the backyard with my samurai sword and said — hayyyyyaaa!!!! And I done chopped the gator’s jowels off. I sold the meat to a local taco place and had my neighbor make a briefcase out of it.
And… I got the smoothest pens you ever signed with. They’re like butter. These cost $200 and no — you may not keep them. But, enjoy the signing experience, my stories, and enjoy the ride. By the way — my ride is a stretch limo that I have parked outside. We can continue the signing there if you prefer — drinks included, but not until after you finish signing. And remember — sign responsibly!”
CHRIS ROCK: Yo Conan, you rock!
CONAN O’BRIEN: Ha ha, I’m a brutha with some street knowledge! And by the way, you not only rock, you are a Rock!
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Conan’s a brutha now? What????
JERRY SEINFELD: Black, white, yellow, brown, orange – believe me, none of us are happy.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Brother, you just made me happy to hear that.
.
You might also like:
Black Notaries vs. White Notaries — The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322
Honey you can kiss my app
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14902
Demographics in the mobile Notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15359