It is common for Notaries to meet signers at cafes. But, what is the etiquette for who pays for the coffee? Or does only one party purchase a drink so the cafe can allow them to stay there? Does the drink go on a chair or the same table with the critical documents?

This question sounds more like a Seinfeld dilemma than anything else. Since the signer is paying the notary for the notarization, it’s the least the notary can do to buy a piece of bundt cake for the client. On the other hand, if the Notary has to bill to get paid, and is billing a third party, then neither party should have to pay for the coffee. But, what if the signer wants a palpation but forgot his walled. But, then how will he have his ID for the notarization? Wow, this is really complicated stuff!

NOTARY: You should pay for the almond croissant because I’m the Notary. It’s like a courtesy for my hard work.

SIGNER: Yes, but I am the client, and it is customary to take your clients out to eat and pay.

NOTARY: You’re paying cash right?

SIGNER: Yes. Small unmarked bills to be precise.

NOTARY: Are you going to wash your hands for 20 seconds before you handle those bills? I don’t want the Coronavirus.

WOMAN: I think the man should pay.

NOTARY: Obviously not a feminist.

WOMAN: I am when it doesn’t involved someone paying for me. You see, I’m what you call an opportunistic feminist. Equal rights, but not so equal on the responsibilities.

SIGNER: Honesty is so sexy. I like you!

WOMAN: Thanks, I’m single

NOTARY: I think I see why.

WOMAN: Yeah, but at least I’m not paying alimony and child support and having my kids taken away from me by legal force. It could be worse. You know what. You guys are so much fun, I’ll pay for your frappachino.

CLERK: Sorry, we are all out of coffee.

NOTARY: But, this is a cafe. Your whole business revolves around coffee.

CLERK: Sorry. But, we have those dark chocolate covered graham crackers. They’re really good.

SIGNER: I’ll just get a soda. I don’t drink coffee after 2pm anyway.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you guys.

NOTARY: Here’s my card. I do notarizations, weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

Once upon a time there was a lonely Notary. He wanted to talk to everyone, but nobody wanted to talk to him. So, he resorted to talking to animals, stray cats, little chihuahuas, birds, squirrels, and bar tenders. He went to all the NNA conventions, but nobody there would talk to him longer than a few seconds to engage in pleasantries. His only acquaintances were bar tenders that humored him with a little conversation before they walked off in the middle of his sentences to get a drink or wash something.

He liked being a notary because at loan signings, the signers were forced to talk to him. Sometimes they actually liked talking to him. Other people were not so nice. Once some stuck up girls were ignoring the lonely Notary. So, the notary insulted them. They got offended and started arguing with him. The Notary said, “At least I got you to talk to me — I’m so lonely.”

The lonely Notary soon found out that people at old age homes like to talk a lot — a really lot. So, he spent an hour at an old age home. He liked the fact that people wanted to talk to him. But, the problem is that most of them didn’t listen. They just talked right over him. And then others were so hard of hearing that they couldn’t listen.

The Lonely Notary was so upset with modern American culture and how unfriendly it is, that he decided to move to Africa. Life was cheap over there and everyone wanted to talk to him because Africans are more of a talkative people. At first he went to the wrong country and they spoke French only. His French was mediocre, plus understanding their weird sounding accent in French was too much. So, then he moved to another area. But, too many tribal languages were being spoken, plus the tribal make up (the little dots on their faces) were a little odd for our American friend. Finally, he made it to an English speaking place.

Once he arrived, his new friends taught him how to do an African laugh. You need to inhale a lot, open your mouth wide, and do a “ha ha ha haaaaaaa” with an elongated last “ha” all in a very deep voice.

So, our American friend enjoyed his new life in Africa, made many friends and lived happily ever after until he got some rare tropical disease that no doctor had ever heard of and died. But, he died happy. And upon his death, his last words were, “Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.”

Some us us don’t like dogs. And some of us like dog owners even less. Many dog owners love their dogs and can’t understand that the rest of the world doesn’t like their slobbering friend licking them, or their little white fluffy dog sniffing their toes. Then there are the ferocious dogs that growl in a petrifying manner to which the owner says, “oh… he’s friendly.”

Just because your dog is allegedly “friendly” doesn’t prove he won’t bite. There is a first time for everything. It also doesn’t meant that I’m friendly — because I’m not, unless you are a well behaved organism.

ME: Hey, keep him away from me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, he’s friendly.

ME: I didn’t give your “friendly” dog permission to molest me.

DOG OWNER: Oh, are you afraid of dogs?

ME: I didn’t say I’m afraid, I just don’t like being assaulted by weapons of mass slobber-struction.

DOG OWNER: He won’t hurt you

ME: I’ll come back with my mentally ill younger brother and he will molest your wife, daughter and other females in your family. And when you complain and look aghast, I’ll say — “Oh, he’s friendly.”

DOG OWNER: You jerk!

ME: See how you like it when you are on the receiving end buck-o!

So, what I recommend is to call ahead and make sure that if they have dogs, that the dogs are behind a locked door. In my experience, dog owners are by definition extremely careless and rarely think about the legal implications of being sued for their pooch biting someone. They are also intrinsically careless about being considerate to those who don’t share their love of dogs.

It is common for the dog behind a “locked” door to mysteriously escape from the locked compartment and start bothering you or scaring the hell out of you. It might be hard core, but you could threaten to leave the minute you see a dog not separated from you by a locked door. Let them know you are serious in a polite way.

Dealing with dogs is no joke. One time a signer came to the door with a loaded gun drawn because there was a pitt bull running around the neighborhood. The notary was afraid, but the gun was to protect them from the dog and not to mug the notary. It’s not a bad idea to bring pepper spray either because the dog owners often will not protect you at all from their crazy and disturbing pets.

Remember – dogs and cats are a reflection of the character of the owner. If the owner is deranged, so will their dogs be.

Growing up, my father drove people crazy by slowly reading every part of long contracts while they had to sit and wait. I agree with him that reading contracts is essential. But, exasperating others is not nice. I think it is my karma being the son of a copious reader (that is his hobby by the way) to have signers who are just as bad (or diligent and good) as dad.

During my career, roughly half of my borrowers read too much. My average signing took a little more than an hour. I dealt with it. I was not too concerned unless they were delaying me from getting to another job. But, now that I am older, and value my time more, I realize this is no good. Three hour signings cannot happen.

You need a strategy for how you are going to deal with this. Here are some ideas. Put in the comments if you have other ideas.

1. During the confirmation call, let them know you are offering them “x” amount of minutes for the signing. I would offer more time to those paying you well to make sure you get rehired. For cheap signings, perhaps offer 45 minutes. Keep in mind that if they go over, you need to offer some leeway to avoid social friction (and getting fired). For signings that pay big bucks, you might allow up to two hours just to be nice. But, still emphasize that there is a limit. My personal experience was that the more I was paid, the faster the signing was. My worst client was a Lender whose borrowers always had to call him and ask painstakingly long questions on my time. The average phone call was 45 minutes which I had to sit through.

2. If you don’t give them a summary of your time offering before the signing, you can spring it on them at the signing. You explain that this is a signing appointment and not a reading appointment. You can explain that they have borrowers copies to read for the next 72 hours if this is a refinance for a primary residence, and that they can cancel after the fact. Explain that you have other appointments and have to leave in “x” amount of minutes whether the loan is signed or not out of courtesy for your subsequent appointments.

Having time limits might get you fired, not paid, or in trouble. But, if you want to make money as a signing agent, you need to book lots of appointments and nail them one by one. Or, you need to have two high paying jobs per day. 2 x $200 = $400 and $400 per day is a living — not a great living, but a living. If you make $80 per signing, you need to do at least five per day to get paid well and that means hustling and moving fast, especially at night when they might be back to back.

In the worst scenario, you might have to take the main copies signed or unsigned, put them in the Fedex and send them back. You can explain to the company that you ran out of time and that next time the Lender should explain the documents better to the signer AHEAD OF TIME otherwise they end up taking your time when you don’t have time. It is not a matter of what your time is worth — if you have another client waiting, it is an abuse of that other client’s time if you are late for any reason.

Please comment if you have better ideas, because this blog article is about playing rough which is not considered nice, but is the only way to get good income per hour spent. Otherwise you might get taken for a ride regularly.

I live with a hoarder. I can’t get it through her head that she doesn’t need all of that stuff. It seems to be a mental illness. She cleans up a little once per year, but we need more than a little. I withhold part of the rent I would otherwise pay her since my passage way through the living room to the front door is compromised. I like where I live, but the hoarding is insane.

But, doing signings with hoarders is dangerous. Here are the dangers.

1. You might have to clear off a space on the table and remove stuff from chairs or from near chairs.

2. There might be infestations due to the inability to clean due to stuff being everywhere.

3. There might be bacterial problems, mold, or other diseases that are airborne due to the problem.

4. Something could fall on your or fall and block your escape route.

Please let me know your stories with hoarders in the comments. The rest of us would love to know!

Since my Notaries over 50 blog article was so popular, I am writing another one that is similar.

Viruses
Notaries over 60 need to be careful about the Coronavirus which partakes in ageism. It kills mainly elderly people and people from cultures that eat noodles like Italians and Chinese (not sure why). Personally, I think this disease is prejudiced against people who live in cold weather and I think the disease is racist! Washing your hands regularly and using disinfecting wipes on all surfaces at signings, in your home and car make sense. The regular flue also kills many elderly people, so being extra cautious about your immunity and health makes sense.

Bad Weather
Avoiding signings during inclement weather makes sense too. At your age do you want to be caught in a freezing rain storm? Think about it.

Stairs
Going up long flights of stairs might be hazardous to your health depending on how good your health is.

Exercise
Getting plenty of non-impact exercise is critical. If you want to live to be old and healthy, lots of swimming and walking should be a daily habit. Jogging and exercise that puts strain on your joints might come back to haunt you in your old age.

Diet
A good diet with lots of fruit, vegetables and supplements makes sense as well. My article about Notaries over 50 goes in detail about which foods are miracles for good health.

Sleep
It is necessary to get enough sleep so you are not cranky or susceptible to disease. However, elderly people sometimes sleep less than others. What a paradox. Get enough sleep just to remain healthy and have a good immunity system.

Acupuncture
Acupuncture is a way to balance your energy channels in your body. It also helps to strengthen immunity and deal with aches and pains.

Keeping a sharp mind
Mental atrophe is a problem for people getting older. It is important to review Notary educational materials, your state handbook, and do mental exercises to keep sharp. Grape juice and grape seed extra help to keep the cobwebs out of your cerebral neurons. A good mind has a physical aspect as well as an intellectual. Keep this in mind so that you don’t get mentally fuzzy.

Lutein
Good eyes are important. Americans don’t eat enough orange foods, but those are good for the eyes along with good circulation. The eyes need blood too, so if the blood doesn’t slow, they will suffer. Carrots, pumpkin, sweet potatoes and yams are some excellent sources of orange foods. These are also good for the spleen. Spinach also has lots of vitamin A for your eyes and it can be put in juice mixes, but is not good as a solo in a juice. I try to each orange foods at least once per day or at least a few times a week for my spleen and eyes.

Don’t retire – just slow down
People who retire just die according to research. So, if you don’t want to die, don’t retire. Just do less. People in one of the Greek islands where people live to be 100 frequently all have community responsibilities, hike by necessity, have a mainly plant based diet, and live near the ocean so they get that ocean vibe which helps people relax.

Get health energies
The forest, ocean and desert all have healthy energies. These can help you feel better and perhaps live longer. I visit these places regularly. Trees and flowers or gardens can also have healing energy as the plants have metaphysical properties. Stay healthy by getting external sources of good qi so you can make it to 70.

Socialize
This might be hard if you live in Los Angeles. But, if you live in a normal state where people have human values (like Texas or Montana) you might find others who like to socialize. For those who live in California, it might make sense to find people out of state to socialize with – just trying to be realistic.

Let me know if you guys can think of other tips for the 60+ crowd.

This Coronavirus is making people crazy. The supermarket shelves are almost all bare. It is like an apocalypse. There are only a few dozen infections in my county of 10,000,000 people, but the reaction is an overreaction.

I think that pulling the reigns on this disease make more sense than a complete panic driven overreaction. If there are a few infections, then social distancing. If there are more then shutting down larger events. If there are even more, then perhaps what I am terming “social thinning.”

Social Thinning
What does this mean? Many schools are shutting down when there are hardly any cases in their area. This will cause horrible harm to parents, students, and the local economy, but will not prevent more than a handful of cases if there are relatively few infections. What I think is a better idea is to have alternate educational systems for those with flexibility.

The idea is that parents cannot always accommodate their kids at home during the day and also might not have food. Additionally, it will be bad for students to miss education. These are three compelling reasons to keep schools open.

Recommendations

1. Have a percentage of students stay home whose families elect for them to stay home. There could be teachers assigned with special program for these home based students with hourly phone interaction, assignments, and internet based help as well.

2. Have a percentage of students study outside or in the gym to free up space inside for social distancing. Learning outside allows students to get fresh air rather than germ filled recycled air. It also allows for people to be put six feet apart and not run out of space.

3. Smaller class sizes would allow for people to spread out.

4. Disinfecting surfaces and washing hands regularly.

5. Taking temperatures regularly.

6. Quarantine room classes for students with symptoms who cannot go home for whatever reason.

7. During recess, students should keep a distance from each other.

Item one, two and three are examples of social thinning. You still go to class, but the number of students will have been thinned out and people will be a bit farther away from each other, hence slowing the rate of infection.

Social thinning — it’s nothing to sneeze (or cough) at!

There is International Women’s day and now there is International Notary Women’s Day at least in this article. My first complaint is – why is there no men’s day? How come women get all the recognition and men are just left out? Are we less than human? But, I digress. So, what is International Notary Women’s Day about? It is a day where we commemorate women in the Notary world.

The vast majority of Notaries are women. Close to 90%. As Mobile Notaries the quantity is closer to 60%. There are disproportionately high rates of blacks being Notaries as well, in particular, you guessed it, black women. Many women who are in the Notary world were Realtors before that — another field dominated by older women. Most mobile notaries are above 40 as well.

So, what do women do differently in the Notary world? Word on the street is that women are better at multitasking. I think that is a genetic fact because I can only do one thing at a time. Being a notary involves a lot of juggling and faxing, scanning, making appointments, rescheduling, etc. I think that women have a knack for this type of thing.

Additionally, being a notary requires another skill women have — shopping. You need to buy ink, forms, gas, snacks, and more to be a mobile notary. On a side note, every time I go to Whole Foods I see professional shoppers buying food for other families and most of these people are women which proves that women were born to shop.

In the real world, women, particularly young women have more patience than guys to for higher education. But, in the Notary world, few people are mastering our materials these days. We need more women passing our test!

I am also tempted to see — we need more women mobile notaries to correct the imbalance, but the imbalance is that we have disproportionately more women than men as Notaries — so perhaps I should say that we need more men. Or perhaps we should just let nature take its course.

Behind every successful man, there is a Woman Notary. Just kidding.

Another fact is that there is no glass ceiling in the notary world. It is a gig economy and you get paid for what you do. The more experienced people tend to get paid a lot more as well. Elite certified members get paid a lot more too, but try getting anyone to crack a book. This is why I think China will wipe America out one day – they have no problem cracking books, or hacking US government high security websites.

For women in the notary clergy there is the stained glass ceiling — just kidding.

Women Notaries are a little more squeamish going out at night to strange neighborhoods. I have not heard of any woman getting in trouble, but the fear is real.

So, that concludes my half realistic and half satirical view of women Notaries. Let me know if there are other points I could include.