FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, isn’t the butler supposed to do things like this, answering the door, calling Notaries, etc?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Yes yes, but he is out sick

FRAN: Does that mean that he would sneeze in snide and condescending way.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Of course not, why would he do that… well actually, hmm. Why are we discussing this? Just call that damn Notary, will you?

FRAN: Yes sir, right away.

FRAN: (ring-ring) Hello, is this Isaac from Glatt Kosher Notaries?

CHARLES: (British Accent) No, this is Charles, Isaac is out. In any case, thank you for calling GK Notaries where we can assist you with assumption clauses, affiant testimoniums, Jurats, Proofs of Execution and more.

FRAN: I need a Notary, but the last schmuck was such a putz that he did the whole job like a patsa and I had to shlepp to another guy right before shabbat. My tuchus has never recovered — gevalt!

CHARLES: I feel like we are not speaking the same language here.

FRAN: You’re telling me! Let me translate what I said into your language and then you can translate what you said into English. We’ll pay big bucks if you can send over a Notary who knows what he is doing.

CHARLES: Now, we’re communicating. Yes, we can send someone any time during the week.

FRAN: So, not to be personal, but where are all of the Jewish people in the office?

CHARLES: Well, you see, it is Friday and they like to leave three hours early to beat the Shabbat rush so they can prepare their food and get a good front row seat in school.

FRAN: You mean shul.

CHARLES: Yes, that too.

FRAN: But, you can have someone come today in an hour or two? My boss is a big time producer and he needs a contract notarized prompto.

CHARLES: Yes, well we have someone named Jack who is available. Shall I send him over?

FRAN: By all means. I’m so happy!

CHARLES: Well I’m happy that you’re happy?

FRAN: You are? (shocked) Oh right. I forgot, I’m trying to get used to this whole idea of taking delight at other people’s happiness.

CHARLES: What I’ve learned from working at this company, is that when I express delight at other people’s happiness, I have to say — you wouldn’t understand — it’s a gentile thing.

FRAN: I’m sure I’ll get used to it. In any case, I’ll have Mr. Sheffield get his ID and documents ready.

(ding… dong…)

FRAN: I’ll get it.

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

FRAN: Oh, very good pronunciation for a goy!

JACK: Thanks and funny you should mention that. Because when I was born we had a Jewish doctor.

FRAN: No kidding, so did I. Was your’s single? And is he still single? Never mind, he’s probably 80 by now, I’m not that desperate.

JACK: So, when I came out of the womb, he proudly announced — it’s a goy!

FRAN: That’s really funny. Anyway, Mr. Sheffield is upstairs in the study.

(the two go upstairs)

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Shattab shmaloom to you too.

FRAN: That’s not how you say it Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Close enough.

FRAN: By the way, Mr. Sheffield isn’t Jewish. But, I’m working on him. He’s becoming an expert on the foods of our people.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: That’s right, if it doesn’t have a “chhh” or other gutteral sound, it doesn’t go into your mouth. I have memorized several of these types of foods: choomosss, that’s the Israeli pronunciation, the Arabs are not as gutteral with this, then there is Schoog which is Yeminite, and then Challah which is egg bread. I’m more partial to the Challah, it’s easier to pronounce and easier on the system.

FRAN: Plus it’s milchik…. never mind. In any case. Let’s administer the Oath. Please raise your right hand. Do, you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that you agree to the terms and conditions in this contract, so help you God?

JACK: I think I’m supposed to do this part. Would you prefer an Oath or Affirmation?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: What’s the difference?

FRAN: In an Oath, you swear to a higher power, and in an Affirmation you affirm on your personal honor. Mr. Sheffield has a lot of personal honor by the way. More than any one else I know.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein, do you think that you could possibly just let the Notary do his job without any further interference? And besides, what are you, the notary’s druchshlepp?

FRAN: Wow, your Yiddish is really getting so much better. But, oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been reading up on the 123notary free blog posts teaching Notary knowledge. I’ve learned so much about Notary procedure and it was completely free.

JACK: Okay, please sign here, and let me see your ID… then, we can sign the journal. (two minutes later) Okay, now please raise your right hand… Oh gee, I forget what to say.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein (yelling into the hallway), you can come back now.

FRAN: Did you need help with that Oath? Less than 10% of New York Notaries know how to administer an Oath. Most don’t think they even need to. Okay Jack, just repeat after me. I Jack Collins take you Fran Fein to be my lawfully wedded. Ooops, sorry. I’m so desperate to get married. Okay, start over. Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to and will abide by the terms within?

JACK: Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to it?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: I do.

FRAN: OH, Mr. SHEFFIELD!!!! You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words come from your lips!

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