Paul the Notary navigated his way around a huge crowd on his way up the steps to the Capitol. He had never seen so many MAGA hats in his life. He had been hired to notarize Mark who called from within the Capitol building for a last minute emergency signing.
NOTARY: Hello, I’m here. Who needed a Notary?
RANDOM PERSON: Buddy, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.
NOTARY: It’s not like I’m committing a capitol offense… well actually, bad choice of words, perhaps I am. I am on restricted Federal property — but, I didn’t see a sign, so that makes it okay.
BUBBA: Are you the Notary? We’ve been waiting for you.
NOTARY: Yeah. Who am I notarizing? Is it Confederate Flag guy over there, the guy running around with zip ties, or the guy with the painted face and the horns. Oh, goodie, I hope it’s the guy with the horns.
BUBBA: No, it’s Ramsey over here. He’s been shot and needs a Power of Attorney to authorize his sister to take care of his property.
NOTARY: Ouch. Is he going to get arrested in the middle of the notarization?
RAMSEY: Here, I am weak, but I can sign that journal.
NOTARY: Sign it in blood. Oh, wrong time for that joke.
RAMSEY: It’s okay, I always wanted to die this way.
NOTARY: So, if you die, would you die fighting for your country, or against your country… I’m having trouble figuring out who is who over here.
RAMSEY: We’re fighting for what our country stands for.
NOTARY: And the opposition can’t STAND that, right?
RAMSEY: Another joke. Basically, they sit for justice, we stand for it.
NOTARY: And you can’t SIT injustice.
RAMSEY: Right now I’m lying, but I’m not telling any untruths.
BUBBA: He lies about everything, but only when he is dead tired. Now, I’m doing it.
NOTARY: So you lied beside a Notary, but not to a Notary. Good thing you are not under Oath. You’ll have to sit up for your Oath so you are not lying. Please raise your right gun… I mean your right hand.
RAMSEY: Okay… Uh oh, gunshots. (bang… bang)
BUBBA: Better put your hand down otherwise you might lose it.
ONLOOKER: He won’t be needing it… at least not the way he is going.
NOTARY: Was that friendly fire or un (bang…. bang.) I better get down too. Put your hand out horizontally. Or should I say, LAY your hand out. Do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are true and correct.
RAMSEY: Yes, but this document is intended to get an Acknowledged signature which doesn’t require an Oath.
NOTARY: Hmmm. Maybe you should be a Notary in a future life. You are correct. Okay. Here is my stamp. You better give this document to your document custodian.
BUBBA: I know his sister so I’ll take care of it.
NOTARY: So, if I say I support the constitution and love the flag, does that make me a white supremicist?
ONLOOKER: Only if you mean it!
BUBBA: Which flag, the American or the Confederate flag? These days they are considered to have the same implications. I was asked to take the American flag off my textbook at school because it was too, “controversial.”
(Later that day on MSNBC)
REPORTER: A white supremacist sympathizer Notary arrived at the Capitol to notarize a man committing treason.
BUBBA: I thought we were protesting against treason — I should start my own news outlet. Why do they always twist facts.
REPORTER: But, the Notary was not wearing a MAGA hat or holding a flag. Looks like these supremacists are hiding under the radar these days. It’s hard to identify them without any distinguishing markings. They look just like regular people without the red hats and the flags.
NOTARY: I’m just doing my job. I am neither for these people or against them. I don’t even know what they were doing, what they thought they were doing, or what they planned (if they planned at all) to do. Do we have to distort every single fact that we talk about?
BUBBA: On their network that is an essential part of their business model.
NOTARY: Does anyone else need a Notary? I need to make a little more out of this trip to pay for my parking. I had to pay a mint for parking, walk over half a mile and risk my life to get here.
SALLY: Do you do Oaths?
NOTARY: Funny you should ask. Please raise your right hand, oh, and that will be $10 please, but hold the ten in your left hand. The other left hand… there you go…