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January 11, 2011

Will & Grace — the mini notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 8:03 am

JACK: Will, can I ask you something?

WILL: What’s that?

JACK: Have you ever wanted to be a Notary?

WILL: Are there cute guys in that industry?

JACK: What does that have to do with anything. Get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn’t matter whose in the industry. You don’t hang around with other Notaries unless you go to those private Facebook groups. You meet clients and they might be cute.

WILL: How cute are we talking?

JACK: If I become a Notary, I’ll bring one of them to one of our favorite gay bars and you can find out.

WILL: What if they aren’t gay?

JACK: I don’t have to tell them it’s a gay bar.

GRACE: I think they’ll know…. duh. Remember you brought me to one of those places?

JACK: Yeah, but you said you wanted to go to a place where no man would give you any unwanted attention. You got what you asked for.

GRACE: What? (looking disgusted). That was NOT what I had in mind! I wanted to go to a lesbian bar. Oh well, next time.

JACK: If I were a Notary, I would want one of those tiny little seals and have a little tiny doggie to match… with an outfit.

WILL: An outfit for the dog or the seal?

JACK: Oh, now you’ve got me thinking. I could get a little seal cover designed just for my little seal.

GRACE: That’s so cute. You should become a Notary just for the little seal bag made out of yarn.

JACK: Yarn? I wasn’t thinking yarn. I was thinking leather!

WILL: Stick to yarn. It’s more cute. Plus you don’t want your customers to think you are into leather notarizations. That sort of thing has a stigma to it.

JACK: Good point. But, I don’t want people to think I’m grandma either.

WILL: Okay, I’m an Attorney, so I can give you an Oath.

JACK: Okay. Count me in.

WILL: Raise your right hand.

JACK: Okay (holding his hand parallel in a very gay way.)

WILL: Do you solemnly swear that you will uphold the laws for Notary Public for the state of New York and defend the constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic, so help you God?

JACK: What about imports, or is that what you meant by foreign, because I don’t drive, but if I did, I would only drive a Ford personally.

WILL: You’ll make a terrible Notary. If you want my advice. Don’t quit your day job.

JACK: Oh, you mean acting. Usually that’s what you say to people who won’t make it acting.

WILL: You’ll make it acting, you just won’t make it acting like a Notary.

JACK: Gee thanks. You’re so insensitive.

GRACE: I think he knows what he is talking about in the legal profession. That’s why I married him. My mother wanted me to marry an Attorney.

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January 10, 2011

Notary Cheers Part 2: Sammy gets a name change notarized

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 7:12 am

Please read the part 1 of this blog entry so you are aware of the context. Sam has to run to the county clerk to get his name change form, so that he can check into a hotel room anonymously with his girlfriend without a paper trail leading back to him. Diane needs to have an Oath for Carla stating that she will stay out of Carla’s hair in exchange for a shift switch.

DIANE: Sam, where are you going?

SAM: I’m running late. I need to get to the County Clerk’s office and get back here for my next shift.

DIANE: Just eat something and run over there. It’s only a fifteen minute walk. And it’s sunny today.

CARLA: Yeah, it’s sunny now. But, it’ll be a lot sunnier if certain people swear they’ll stay out of my hair, and get that Oath notarized.

CLIFF: (snickering under his breath) Who wouldn’t want to stay out of that Brillo Pad?

CARLA: (yanking on Cliff’s hair, causing him to wince) At least my hair isn’t about to be yanked out!

DIANE: Can’t you two save your antics for the playground?

CARLA: Relax. I’m not about to let your hair fall out. The bleach you’re overusing beat me to it.

DIANE: It’s not bleach. It’s the sun! Sam, I will get the Oath notarized at 8pm tonight. Scout’s honor! (raising her right hand)

SAM: Better not swear to the Notary it’s the sun. (Gang, except for Diane, chuckles) Gotta go.

Sam walks down to the County Clerk. The line isn’t that bad. Finally, it’s his turn.

CLERK: Purpose of ya’ visit sir?

SAM: I’m gonna need a name change form.

CLERK: Are ya’ sure you wanna change ya’ name? “Sam” sounds pretty good to me. Why ah’ you doin’ this?

SAM: I need to check into a hotel with my new girlfriend, but she’s married, and… I don’t want a paper trail leading back to me. It’s a long story.

CLERK: This never came from me — and I’m not recommendin’ it neitha’, but the easiest way to sneak around isn’t to change your name. It’s to get a fake ID.

SAM: A fake ID?

CLERK: Shhhh. I’m supposed to have ethics, so I can’t recommend doin’ that, but if you change ya’ name, there ah’ strings attached. A fake ID might get you in a little trouble, but you ahn’t hurting anyone, so the cops will go easy on you.

SAM: Can I change my name back if the relationship doesn’t work out?

CLERK: I’m known in town as the most helpful guy eva’ to work in a gova’ment office. I’ll tell ya’ one thing. You can do name variations too. Fa’ loan documents, they have a signature affidavit and AKA statement where you list all the names you’ve been known by in the past. You could get a name variation, and have an ID that represents one of ya’ names.

SAM: Wow. And I thought counting the notches on my bedpost was complicated. But I think I’m catching on. I like this. So, um, how do I do a variation?

CLERK: Here’s a form. By havin’ this form, you can get a second state issued ID, not a driver’s license but a state ID. It’s all legal ya’ see. That document is all ya’ need. For an alias, address, legally, you will need to open a post office box. But, the box would be traceable to your current name. Get the form notarized, then get the mail box, and then get ya’ ID — in that order, otha’wise you’ll screw the whole thing up!

SAM: I like that. Thanks a bunch. You saved my life and my relationship.

CLERK: What number notch will that be?

SAM: I can’t count that high.

Back at Cheers…

DIANE: I’m done typing up my official Oath. I, Diane Chambers of sound mind and body, residing at 54 Beacon Street, Boston, MA 02108, solemnly swear that I will not get in Carla’s proverbial hair. I will not bother her, harass her, nor will I nag her for any light and transient reasons, or even serious reasons for that matter. I included room for a signature, a date, and notarial verbiage.

CLIFF: I think there’s one thing you forgot, there Diane. You’re swearing never to bother her again for the rest of your life. That’s kind of a long time. After all, you’re still kind of a spring chicken.

DIANE: Thank you, Cliff. I think.

CARLA: Since when do spring chickens have barely visible breasts?

SAM: I’m back and I’m about to fill out the name variation document. Oh, and Carla, Diane happens to be very sensitive about her age — so mum’s the word.

WOODY: Mum’s the word, Sam? That’s what I call my mom, and she’s way older than Miss Chambers.

DIANE: You heard Woody, Sam. Pick another word.

SAM: How’s about “ageless”?

DIANE: No, Sam! That’s how they refer to people who already are old!

SAM: Okay, I’ll stick with “annoying.”

EVERYBODY: Norm!!!

WOODY: How’s it hangin’, Mr. Peterson?

NORM: According to Vera, it’s “barely.” Hey, Sammy, did you get that paperwork?

SAM: It’s all complete! And soon to be notarized!

NOTARY: I’m going to need a beer. Sorry I’m late. I kept looking for the bar where everybody knows my name.

DIANE: And we’re always glad you came.

CARLA: Please, don’t start singing.

DIANE: Here is my Oath verbiage — verbatum!

NOTARY: There’s nothing I love more than a prepared customer except for two things.

SAM: That high I can count. What?

NOTARY: A beautiful woman, and a cold one, but not necessarily in that order.

CARLA: (slamming Diane) Don’t you mean one thing?

CLIFF: Isn’t it, uh, illegal to notarize under the influence? It’s a little known fact that in ‘62 a notary who had a taste of the sauce mistakenly notarized JFK’s letter to Marilyn Manson instead of Marilyn Monroe.

NOTARY: It’s only illegal if your signer is intoxicated. You can be drunk, although it is highly discouraged in the Notary community. There is no law against it. The signer has to be of sound mind to be notarized, otherwise they might sign all their money away to a con-man, or worse.

CARLA: What could be worse than that?

NOTARY: They might sign their money over to their greedy family. It happened to me once notarizing an elderly lady who was in a hospital. They drugged her right before the signing. I had to go to court on that one and testify that she looked a bit out of it although I hadn’t been informed that she’d been medicated. I could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble on that one.

NORM: Good thing you didn’t. But isn’t it true that if you didn’t know the signer was medicated, you’re off the hook even if they seemed like they might have been medicated but didn’t make it too obvious?

NOTARY: (To Woody) One Sam Adams please. In these hospital signings, you can never be too careful. Even if you’re off the hook, that day you spend in court is enough to frazzle even the most diligent of notaries!

WOODY: See, that’s where you and I are different. I can be too careful. Like when I was too careful about not stepping on a crack that could break my mum’s back.

CLIFF: What happened, Woody?

WOODY: I accidentally stepped on her toe instead.

SAM: If I were a Notary, I’d look them over from head to toe. Make sure they seem “sound” to me.

CLIFF: That’s what he does with every female under 35 who waltzes in here. He’s good at that.

NOTARY: Okay, I feel ready. I’ll finish the other half of my beer after Diane’s docs. I’ll put the beer to the right — no breathing on it, and your docs to the left. Let’s see if the table is nice and dry?

DIANE: Oh, I brought a clip-board for that. I don’t want my documents touching that petri dish of a bar.

NOTARY: Can I see your ID ma’am?

DIANE: Oh, here it is.

NOTARY: Hmmm. (loudly) 1947, what? You don’t look a day over 35. How could this be….

CLIFF: The secret’s out! The cat’s out of the bag!

CARLA: So the stick is old enough to run for President! I knew that makeup was covering up your “gravitas.”

DIANE: Hear me now, Carla! And hear me, everyone! I am far too young to be President!

CLIFF: You can run for leader of the free world if you’re 35, Diane.

NORM: Wow, Sammy. Who knew you liked older women?

They all laugh.

DIANE: (to Notary) Some things are supposed to be private! One’s age… hair color…

NOTARY: I’m so sorry.

DIANE: Oh well. (sniffle) At least, we can get this form notarized.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that you agree to the terms in this document, and that you will not get in Carla’s hair?

DIANE: As things happen to currently stand, very “solemnly.” (raising her right hand and looking dismally at the floor) Yes, I do (sniffle)

NORM: I now pronounce you Notary, and wife!

CLIFF: I’ll drink to that!

SAM: What about my form?

NOTARY: Let me have the other half of my beer.

NORM: Now that she said I do, your other half is right there!

DIANE: You know I’m still with Frasier, Norman.

NORM: Don’t worry. We won’t tell him you’re robbing the cradle.

DIANE: In answer to “how’s it hangin’,” “it” is about to be your neck!

NOTARY: Okay, I’m ready for Sam. Bring it over. No spilling drinks on the documents people! I mean that!

SAM: Here it is.

NOTARY: Okay, now for this signature, you sign your name as Sam, but on this next signature, you sign as John Doe. Do you think you can do that?

SAM: I’m not great at remembering names. But, sure, I think I can handle it…

NOTARY: Your notarization is complete Mr. Doe.

SAM: Sweet!!! I’ll tell Veronica!

CLIFF: Just don’t tell her husband your old name. Or your new name’ll be “mud.”

NORM: So, what do we owe you?

DIANE: No, you don’t have to do that.

NORM: It’s the least we can do after the humiliation and grief we’ve caused you.

NOTARY: I’ll tell you what. Another beer, and $30. We’ll call it even.

SAM: I’ve never said this to anyone, but, you’re my kind of Notary.

NOTARY: Do you really mean that?

SAM: I do.

NORM: Now, it’s a threesome! Sammy said, “I do” too!

You might also like:

Part 1 of Notary Cheers: Sammy gets a name change notarized!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10016

Seinfeld Episode about a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6616

Two and a half notaries: Detering notary fraud
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10452

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January 9, 2011

The Big Bang Theory: Feeling in control Notarizing

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:16 am

RAJ: You know. That entire notary experience was exhilerating.

LEON: I could go either way on that one.

PENNY: I liked it.

SHELDON: I don’t care how it makes me feel. But, can it make us sexy?

LEON: I guess it could. I would feel more in “control” if I could manipulate an inked seal type object with ease.

RAJ: Yes, that is the height of manliness. I agree. We should do this.

SHELDON: Do what?

RAJ: We should take notary lessons. I’m so awkward. We all are. But, who will teach us?

SHELDON: I know… Dora. Have you ever met Dora?

RAJ: I can’t remember

SHELDON: If you can’t remember, you’ve never met Dora. If you meet her once, you’ll never forget.

(Dora comes to teach them about notarization. She is tall, smooth, sexy, and has long flowing hair and very high heels)

RAJ: Hi D.d.d.d.dora!

DORA: Hi, what was your name again?

RAJ: You can call me Roger… or Raj, whiever you can pronounce. Not that you couldn’t pronounce either one, but if you prefer one over the other, you know you can…

DORA: I get the picture. I’ll stick to Raj. It has a sort of a ring to it.

SHELDON: Hi, Dora. We were wondering if becoming notaries, or learning about it would make us smoother around women? As you can see, we are a little bit awkward.

DORA: It couldn’t hurt. Personally, I feel that getting out of this cramped lab, and mingling with the world around you might be a better idea. But, as you wish.

LEON: So, what do we do first? Do you ID us?

DORA: Yes, but I was more interested in showing you how to use my stamp. That’s illegal of course, but not if we cross out the impression afterwards.

SHELDON: Oh, I’m very good at crossing things out. I made a career of that in high school.

DORA: Okay, now grab that seal like you mean it.

LEON: Uh, okay.

DORA: Now press down with it…. no.. not that hard. Do it with confidence. Just the right amount of pressure. Oh my God that looks Terr…iffic! It’s okay to smudge. It doesn’t detract from the meaning of the stamp (pause) so, long as the county recorder never sees it. Now, give me your thumb Sheldon.

SHELDON: What are you going to do with my thumb?

DORA: You’ll see. That’s good. Your thumb isn’t shaking like I thought it would (Sheldon’s entire body is shaking)

SHELDON: Will you give it back when you are done?

DORA: I’m going to ink you up

SHELDON: Oh, that sounds exciting. Ouch. What was that for?

DORA: I just affixed your thumb’s impression to a journal entry.

SHELDON: Oh. Very interesting. You can compare that to police records. Detectives do that a lot.

DORA: Somehow I don’t think that the police will have any records on you. Just a hunch.

LEON: You don’t know him too well. He has a record.

DORA: For unpaid parking tickets or something more serious like a broken tail-light

LEON: Should I tell her about the time that you failed to report a stolen electron?

DORA: Stolen electrons? Wow, you guys are regular felons! Now Leon, come over here, and we are going to fill out this Jurat wording.

LEON: Here.

DORA: No, a little closer… Now, what’s today’s date?

LEON: A date?

DORA: Today’s date.

LEON: January

DORA: It’s Feburary. Where have you been for the last week.

LEON: In this lab, honestly.

DORA: Okay, look on your i-phone.

LEON: (bashfully takes i-phone out of his pocket) It’s February 13th

DORA: You just put that date, right in here.

(30 minutes later)

DORA: I don’t think this notary stuff is going to make you smoother with women. But, I know a good therapist named Venus. Maybe she can help you.

SHELDON: With a name like Venus, how can we go wrong? How did you know we like people named after astronomical objects?

DORA: Just a hunch! See you guys!

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Bing Bang Theory: Notarizing a discovery about string theory
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15122

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January 8, 2011

Family Guy: Peter joins ISIS by mistake & needs a notarized conversion

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 7:02 am

PETER: Hey Lois, hasn’t it been kind of a long time since we took a vacation?

LOIS: Yeah Peter, we haven’t gone anywhere since we went to Vegas. Remember when we lost all that money to those one armed bandits

(A one armed mugger snatches Lois’ purse and Brian chases him bites him and gets Lois’ purse back)

PETER: Yeah, that was fun. We won $2000 dollars and blew it all on school clothes for Meg. What a waste.

(Meg shows up wearing a hat, takes it off and puts on another expensive hat, then changes her coat, then puts on a set of boots)

MEG: Let’s go somewhere foreign!

BRIAN: Yeah, I heard that when you go to a foreign country, everything looks different and smells different, which is important to me because I’m a dog.

PETER: That’s it. We’re going to Jonah’s tomb. I’ll have Stewie book the tickets now.

STEWIE: So, who’s buried in Johah’s tomb?

CHRIS: Oooh, ooh, ooh, I know. Ulysses Grant?

STEWIE: No, dummie, Jonah’s buried in Jonah’s tomb. And by the way, where is Jonah’s tomb.

PETER: According to this cheap travel agent I hired, it’s in Iraq. I think we have a military base there. So, we’ll be safe.

LOIS: Just so long as I can get wifi. But, I heard there’s a lot of violence there. Will we be safe from danger?

PETER: Oh come on Lois, don’t you want a break from our typical boring life?

(They all get on a plane, fly, and get off in Iraq. Everyone on the plane is wearing an Islamic outfit.)

LOUDSPEAKER: Welcome to Iraq.

PETER: Hey Lois, we’re in Iraq

LOIS: I heard there’s a conflict between the Shia’s and the Sunni’s. But, how do you know which is which?

PETERS: It’s obvious. The ones with the long hair are the Shia’s and the ones wearing shorts are the Sunni’s.

STEWIE: No dummy, you can tell them apart from looking at their ID. I know that because I’m a notary!

LOIS: Peter, I don’t think anyone’s wearing shorts here. And everyone’s staring at me.

STEWIE: According to my GPS, the tomb is 70 miles Northwest. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to rent a car.

CAR RENTAL: Welcome to Rent a Humvee. Would you like bulletproof or non?

PETER: Don’t those use a lot of gas?

CAR RENTAL: Well, we got a ton of these when the US military left, and gas is only 50 cents a gallon. So, enjoy.

PETER: So, which is cheaper?

CAR RENTAL: Unarmored!

PETER: I’ll take an armored one. That way I can tell all of my buddies at the Drunken Clam that I drove an armored vehicle!

(The entire family drives up barren roads on their way to Jonah’s tomb. They quickly learn that the tomb was destroyed by ISIS recently.)

LOIS: I can’t believe they destroyed an ancient biblical tomb. What a horrible thing to do.

STEWIE: Those damn tomb-wreckers! Can’t they think of anything better to do?

LOIS: Oh look Peter, look at those hooded people waving their machetes.

PETER: Are they butchers? I could use a nice slab of meat right about now.

ISIS GUYS: Stop where you are!

LOIS: What do you want?

PETER: I’ll have some roast beef, um, make it lean, and a New York steak… or if that’s too much trouble, a Baghdad steak will do, and could you throw in a pickle!

ISIS GUYS: And what else?

PETER: Do you have any sides?

ISIS GUYS: We don’t take sides! Convert to Islam — or DIE!

STEWIE: Could you say that again, but with more emotion?

CHRIS: Are you guys hot under those hoods? How can you not sweat wearing those hoodies?

ISIS GUYS: We don’t mind being hot. We’re preparing for eternal damnation. I understand it’s very hot there. Okay… Convert to Islam — or DIE!

STEWIE: That was much better. But, could you put more emphasis on the “die” part.

ISIS GUYS: Oh, sorry. Convert to Islam — or DIE!

LOIS: They’re going to kill us.

STEWIE: No no, not if we convert.

ISIS GUY: By the way, the conversion needs to be notarized.

STEWIE: But, I can’t legally notarize my own conversion. That would be a violation of notary law.

ISIS GUY: It doesn’t matter just as long as it’s not a violation of our radical interpretation of Sharia law.

CHRIS: Does this mean that mom and Meg will have to wear a veil?

ISIS GUY: Yes!

CHRIS: Ha ha, Meg has to weir a veil.

PETER: Okay, let’s get this converting over with so I can have a sudsy beer back in the hotel room.

ISIS GUY: Beer is not allowed!

CHRIS: Unless you cut the head off.

ISIS GUY: Now repeat after me: Allahhu ackbar. La illah la ha illah la…. and put these outfits on. His and hers.

LOIS: Oh look at these beautiful silks. One size fits all. But, do you have this in pink? And do you have anything that’s more flattering to my figure?

PETER: La illah la — ha ha ha ha ha ha (fart) ooops (fart) ooops (fart) oops.

ISIS GUYS: No, you’re saying it wrong. It’s not ha ha ha ha ha ha.

PETER: No, that’s how I say it.

ISIS GUY: By the way, you are now required to officially get a notarized statement that you are changing your name from Peter to Boulos.

PETER: Fine, I was sick of my name anyway. Just call me Boulos the great!

LOIS: Peter, ask them what the machetes are for.

PETER: Why the way, we were just wondering what all of those machetes were for

ISIS GUY: Oh, these? These are for cutting off the heads of infadels!

STEWIE: Would my former nursery school teacher Rebecca be included in the definition of infidel?

ISIS GUY: Yes!

PETER: Cool, let’s get this show on the road. I want to be the first one to cut a head off. I’ll call it.

(Peter flips a coin. It lands on his hands — heads up)

ISIS GUY: It’s a deal. But, you must first become part of our militia. Try on this ski mask.

PETER: Oh, are we going skiing?

(Peter has a thought of skiing down a hill wearing a black ski mask and holding a machete, then slams into a tree)

PETER: Ahhh, I’ll pass!

ISIS GUY: Okay let’s get started. We are going to invade this village. The women stay at the camp with us! Get in the Humvee!

PETER: (cuts a guy’s head off) This is cool. (cuts another guy’s head off, blood gushing everywhere) Ah, this is pretty cool. (cuts another head off) This is kind of cool. (cuts a fourth head off) Ahh, this is getting a little boring here.

ISIS GUY: We do not do this for our enjoyment. We do it for Allah.

PETER: A-la what?

ISIS GUY: Allah

PETER: A-la-carte?

ISIS GUY: Do you dare make fun of the very great Allah?

PETER: Listen, this was really fun, and it was a long trip, and we’re going to head back to the hotel, and check out the mini-bar.

ISIS GUY: You are not going anywhere!

CHRIS: I have to go to the bathroom.

ISIS GUY: There is a rock over there. That’s the closest we have. Bring your own toilet paper.

PETER: First, can I get a notarized statement documenting that I successfully decapitated four infidels? I want to post that on my wall back home.

ISIS GUY: You are not going home. We have a jihad to fight!

PETER: I think I better call Stewie. (ring ring) Hey Stewie, they’re not letting us out of here.

STEWIE: No problem, I have a solution for this. Check out my newest invention, it is a multi-head Uzi that can shoot in three directions simultaneiously. (bang-bang-bang-bang-bang)

(Stewie kills all two hundred of the ISIS guys within two minutes, they go to the camp to get the ladies, and then go back to the hotel)

LOIS: Peter, next year, let’s go somewhere more quiet, like Afghanistan

PETER: I was thinking more along the lines of New Orleans, but I heard they have some good new channels on Kabul TV.

LOIS: Don’t you mean cable TV?

PETER: That’s what they call it over there I guess…

.

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January 7, 2011

Two and a half notaries: The intercontinental notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 7:49 am

WARNING: This skit may have a few inappropriate references that could be considered slightly offensive to people with morals, people who don’t have morals, as well as people who are just not sure.

ALAN: I have an idea

CHARLIE: What is it this time? Are we going to all dress in green and walk down the street signing Gaelic songs?

ALAN: No, it’s even better than that, although I do love Gaelic music.

BERTA: Spit it out! Tell us what you want to do.

ALAN: I thought it would be great if we all became notaries! It is a service everybody needs. And then we would have something in common. You know — to talk about.

CHARLIE: Notary? I don’t really think anyone will need my services as a Notary. Nobody has ever asked me about that before.

JAKE: What’s a notary?

ALAN: Well, you see, a notary is a profession, where they check people’s ID, verify that they are the correct signer, witness them signing a document, and then they affix their notary stamp or seal to the document. Sometimes they even swear under Oath.

JAKE: Sounds cool, I think you should do it. (yawning and patting his mouth)

CHARLIE: I don’t know if I want to invest my precious time doing all the procedures to become a notary, especially not during the superbowl.

BERTA: I heard that Monica needed a Notary…

CHARLIE: Where do I sign up?

ALAN: We can all go down to the County Clerk, and fill out the forms. Then, we get our notary seals.

CHARLIE: Deal.

JAKE: Can I become a notary too?

ALAN: I think you need to be a little older.

CHARLIE: Yeah, and not be a felon.

JAKE: I’m not a felon… Wait! What’s a felon?

BERTA: Someone who was convicted of a serious crime, like my uncle Sam. He robbed a liquor store. But, it was an accident. I swear!

JAKE: Never mind, I don’t want to be a dumb notary anyway.

ALAN: Maybe we can get you a training stamp.

JAKE: Oh, kind of like a training bra, except for notaries

CHARLIE: This kid needs a lot more than just training.

ALAN: Maybe it will be good for him. You never know. Sometimes, hands on knowledge sticks with you more than stuff you learned in school.

JAKE: I’m asleep or daydreaming half the time in school anyway.

CHARLIE: Exactly!

(Charlie, Alan, and their friend Samantha go down to the County Clerk. Fill out the forms. A few weeks later, they get their notary commissions and then they go to purchase their official notary seals)

ALAN: I’d like to purchase a notary seal

CLERK: Sorry buddy. We’re all out of seals, and our next order won’t come in for another three weeks.

ALAN: Three weeks? Do you have anything left?

CLERK: I just got this one. It’s a store sample, so it’s been used before so people can see how the seal comes out on paper.

ALAN: Looks like I don’t have much choice. I’ll take it. How much is it?

CLERK: $25 even.

ALAN: But, it is so small. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small before.

CLERK: Sorry kid, it’s all we’ve got.

ALAN: I’ll take it!

(meanwhile, all three newly commissioned notaries return to Charlie’s Malibu house)

CHARLIE: Check out my new notary seal. It’s gold plated, and comes in a velvet lined case! Pretty snazzy!

SAMANTHA: I love it. It’s beautiful, just like the things you used to buy me when we were dating.

ALAN: How long ago was that?

CHARLIE: It was off and on. More off than on. But, that’s okay.

ALAN: So, where did you get that seal? It’s amazing!

CHARLIE: I know this place in Beverly Hills. They do customized work over there. For the right price, they can do anything for you — I mean anything. They had to special order this seal, but it was fast because they had a courier bring it down from Sacramento.

SAMANTHA: Check out my seal. It’s pink, but the ink is black. You know — for legal purposes. What about your seal Alan?

ALAN: You probably don’t want to see it. It’s just a seal.

CHARLIE: It was your idea for us all to become notaries, so yes, we do want to see it.

ALAN: It’s in the car. I’ll get it.

(Alan returns from the car)

ALAN: Here it is!

SAMANTHA: Oh, it’s tiny. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small.

ALAN: It might be small, but I know how to use it!

CHARLIE: (rolling his eyes)

JAKE: Check out my seal. I made it myself.

ALAN: How did you figure out how to make it?

JAKE: Easy, I just got some plastic housing for the outside and pit in a customized rubber seal on the inside. It says, “In Training.” I call it my intercontinental notary seal.

CHARLIE: Hey buddy, watch it with that. It’s leaking ink!

JAKE: I know, that’s why I call it an intercontinental notary seal.

ALAN: I think you mean “incontinent.”

JAKE: Same difference

CHARLIE: Well, keep it away from the carpets. The last thing I need is permanent black ink in my Persian rugs. That will cost a fortune to remove it if’s even possible.

JAKE: Not to worry, my ink is invisible ink.

ALAN: Now, there’s an idea.

BERTA: I once had something notarized in invisible ink. It didn’t hold up too well in court until I got the judge that special light, so he could read the ink. If it weren’t for that light, I’d still be in jail.

ALAN: So, Charlie, just out of curiosity. What do you do if your notary seal runs out of ink.

CHARLIE: I can guarantee that’s not going to happen if Monica’s around.

JAKE: I might have the problem if I can’t figure out how to stop that leak. The book I learned about seals from… well. I skipped the chapter on leaks.

(meanwhile two beach girls come to the house)

GIRLS: We heard you were notaries.

ALAN: Speak no further. What do you need done?

GIRLS: We need this waterproof document notarized?

CHARLIE: Are your ID’s waterproof too?

GIRL #1: Oh, I have my ID… right…. here…

(Jake’s eyes are bulging out staring intently directly at where Girl #1’s ID is coming out from)

JAKE: Can I touch it?

GIRL #1: You creep!

CHARLIE: Not you, the ID… He’s a notary in training you know.

GIRL #1: Oh… Okay. Here it is.

JAKE: (caresses the ID with a broad smile on his face, puts it to his chest, and to the side of his head.)

GIRL #2: Is this part of notary procedure?

ALAN: For Jake it is. He studied from a different book than we studied from.

CHARLIE: I think I’ll handle this case. Please sign my journal right here.

GIRL #1: Okay

(30 minutes later)

JAKE: He guess what uncle Charlie

CHARLIE: Dare I ask?

JAKE: Remember those girls who came over.

CHARLIE: Yes.

JAKE: Well, I notarized her. Not her document… her!

CHARLIE: No you didn’t! I’m going to my game. He’s about to do a touchdown.

JAKE: No really. Look out the window. (Girl #1 has her back to the house and is looking at a passing boat)

CHARLIE: I don’t see a notary seal on her.

JAKE: (pointing the ultra-violet invisible ink light at the girl) Look again!

CHARLIE: Oh!!! (shaking his head) Got it…

JAKE: One more thing

CHARLIE: Tell me?

JAKE: Ummm, you don’t need to tell Alan about this.

BERTA: I won’t tell him a thing! Mum’s the word!

.

You might also like:

Two and a Half Notaries — Learning the ropes
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=twoandahalfmen

You know you’re a Notary when…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

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January 6, 2011

Two & a half notaries – learning the ropes

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 6:32 am

2 and a half notaries – learning the ropes
Disclaimer: The content in this dialogue may not be suitable for children or people who have any semblance of values, morals, or decency.

Charlie goes to a hot notary

NOTARY #1: Is it your first time? I’ll go easy on you.

CHARLIE: I’ve been notarized before. It was just such a long time ago.

NOTARY #1: Some people say that getting notarized is like riding a bike. You never forget how!

CHARLIE: Wish I could forget that and remember why I had “I love you, Ellen” tattooed on my leg.

NOTARY #1: If I didn’t notarize it, you don’t officially have to love her.

Then, Charlie goes to another notary to pick up some technique so he could impress the first notary. But, it was someone Charlie had been with before.

CHARLIE: I didn’t recognize you in that outfit,…or any outfit.

NOTARY #2 : Is that an embosser in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

CHARLIE: Samantha? No — Julie.

NOTARY #2: Boy, you have the worst memory I’ve ever seen.

CHARLIE: Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be having this problem. I’d just ask for ID.

JAKE: Just out of curiosity, do notarizations have climaxes? You know, when you get to the ape of the notarization?

ALAN: You mean the ape-x, right?

JAKE: Yeah, that too.

NOTARY #2: It kind of does. The most critical part of the notarization is when the signer signs the journal.

JAKE: You mean that signing the document isn’t the most important part?

NOTARY #2: It’s important, but that can be done before the notarization.

JAKE: Oh, so it’s kind of like what I do before I leave the house if I’m going out with Jillian.

CHARLIE: I’m sure it’s exactly like that. Well, I want to learn the ropes over here. How does a notarization start?

NOTARY #2: it all starts by someone coming to the notary and telling the notary what they want.

JAKE: Oh — and do they need to tell the notary how they want it too?

NOTARY #2: Something like that. For legal purposes, the notary is prohibited from deciding or recommending what type of notary act to do for a particular document or signature. That is entirely up to the signer and their Attorney.
ALAN: So, let’s say I need a notarization. How do I ask for what I want?

CHARLIE: With you, you’re notorious for not knowing how to ask for what you want, that’s why you’re where you are in life.

ALAN: I want you to take that back.

CHARLIE: Oh sure, NOW you ask for what you want.

NOTARY #2: A client could come and they want an acknowledgment for their signature.

JAKE: Oh, I acknowledge you. Do I ever!

CHARLIE: Don’t mind him — he came with the house.

NOTARY #2: I see. Well, a client could also ask for a Jurat which requires a sworn Oath and must be signed in the presence of the notary.

CHARLIE: Well, let’s practice. I’ll be the client, and you can be the Notary. Sounds like a bad porn scene. What am I saying? There are no bad porn scenes. Wait a second, I have some paper in my den.

(2 minutes later)

NOTARY #2: Okay, and you signed this document?

CHARLIE: Yeah, that’s my signature. You probably want to ID me too.

NOTARY #2: Funny you should ask. Hmmm. It seems that your demented signature actually matches the demented signature on the ID.

CHARLIE: I think of it as more of a doctors’ signature, without the hassle of med school.

NOTARY #2: I’ve seen doctors’ signatures hundreds of times, and this doesn’t look a bit like a doctor’s signature. It looks more like one I got doing a notarization at an AA meeting.

JAKE: Well, maybe it was a doctor who had a little too much to drink because he got stressed out in surgery.

NOTARY #2: Now, I’m going to need you to sign my book.

CHARLIE: Well, you can bring your book right over (patting the table lightly)

NOTARY #2: Okay, sign away… Hey wait a second. Your signature looks sober now. What happened?

CHARLIE: Don’t ask me (slurring…)

NOTARY #2: I’m going to fill in the wording and seal this certificate, staple it to this Affidavit of testing document.

JAKE: Who was taking a test?

CHARLIE: Jessica agreed to take a test to make sure she didn’t have… never mind.

ALAN: Pay no attention to him.

NOTARY #2: And we’re done.

Charlie starts seeing one of the notaries regularly, and then gets caught seeing another notary.

NOTARY #1: I just love being with you. I feel like we are soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?

CHARLIE: If they look good in my jacuzzi, then yeah. I could believe in soul mates.

NOTARY #1: The way I look at it, your jacuzzi looks good around me.

CHARLIE: With you in the Jacuzzi, no wonder it’s hot.

NOTARY #1: By the way. I noticed you talking to that other notary.

CHARLIE: Oh her? I was just learning a little technique from her to impress you.

NOTARY #1: What kind of technique?

CHARLIE: Y’know. Notary stuff. Presiding over deeds.

NOTARY #1: Dirty deeds? Are you two-timing me?

CHARLIE: Two-timing you? Don’t be silly. One-timing you, absolutely. By the second time, I’m a little spent.

NOTARY #1: You know what I mean! You’re cheating on me.

CHARLIE: No no, it’s nothing like that. We were just notarizing a document. Nothing more.

NOTARY #1: Well, did she use her seal?

CHARLIE: Well, yeah.

NOTARY #1 slaps him.

CHARLIE: Would it help if I told you her commission expired?

NOTARY #1: You and I are expired.

She leaves. Charlie goes back to Notary #2.

CHARLIE: Hi, Samantha

NOTARY #2: So, you’ve finally figured out my name now. I go by Sam actually.

CHARLIE: Well, I go by Char. Just kidding. I wanted to learn more about notary work. I wanted to do some role play, and I could be the notary.

NOTARY #2: We can talk about that. But, you will have to create your own seal.

CHARLIE: You mean I can’t use your seal?

NOTARY #2: it would be illegal for you to use my seal.

CHARLIE: I could use notorial protection, to make sure we’re both safe.

NOTARY #2: Abstinence is the best protection.

CHARLIE: I know how to ask for a happy ending in 17 languages. But, can a notarization come with a happy ending?

NOTARY #2: No Charlie, it doesn’t. But, I think I know what you are asking me.

(2 months later… Charlie becomes a notary, but does some improper notarizations and faces the consequences.)

CHARLIE: Why does it hurt when I affix my stamp? Must be one of those notarial diseases. Next time I’ll require double identification to be safe? Hmmm, maybe that wouldn’t help. Maybe Samantha was right. Maybe notarial abstinence is the best policy. It must be because of those two blonds that I notarized. I knew it.

ALAN: What’s up?

CHARLIE: I’m just bummed out. Samantha, and Charlene who you might remember as Notary #1… well, neither of them will see me again. Not to mention the fact that I seem to have picked up a nasty case of the… I don’t even know what you call it.

ALAN: Oh, the Jurclap. I read about that. You can get that if you have unprotected notarizations. Well Charlie. All I can say is, don’t feel bad, there will be other notaries!

.

You might also like:

Two and a half Notaries — impaired judgement
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13207

Two and a half Notaries — intercontinental notary seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10432

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All in the Family – notarization for a drug test

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 6:27 am

EDITH: Oh Archie, you’re home.

ARCHIE: Yeah Edith I’m home. And I can do without your usual yapping. I just want to sit in my chair, have a beer, and listen to the voices in my head.

EDITH: Is my voice one of them voices?

ARCHIE: If it ever stops yapping I’ll be sure to ask.

EDITH: All right Archie. I’ll get you your beer, and your newspaper.

ARCHIE: Don’t show me the newspaper. It’s just going to be more of those hippies slamming Mr. Richard Milhouse Nixon’s integrity.

EDITH: Integrity? That was in the news? I must have missed that.

ARCHIE: All of those hippy commies and their Mary Jane they keep smoking. I’m telling you Edith. It’s turning this country into a bunch of commie pot-heads. Which is why my boss questioned my unscrutibility by making this WW2 vet take a drug test.

MICHAEL: Arch, you mean inscrutability.

ARCHIE: Inscrutability you!

GLORIA: What’s this about daddy having to take a drug test?

ARCHIE: You heard right little girl. Because your whole generation is flying around high as a kite all the time, my boss is making red blooded Americans like your daddy get neuterized drug tests.

MICHAEL: That’s pretty funny arch. When I think of dope, you are the man!

SALLY: Michael, that’s not nice.

ARCHIE: So, where am I going to find a Noterary Republic?

MICHAEL: Where people find everything instantly these days. The yellow pages.

ARCHIE: Let your fingers do the walking. That’s the only exercise a lazy guy like you gets.

MICHAEL: Oh here’s one that looks good. 123notary. We come to you. Any type of document or loan signing. My psychic said that one day, 123notary would be on this new thing call the world wide web in about twenty-five years.

ARCHIE: Tell your psychic to look into the distant future when you finally find a job.

EDITH: (calling 123notary — ring ring) Hello yes, is this 123notary?

123NOTARY: 123notary, where the peace sign comes to you!

EDITH: Archie, do you want the peace sign to come to us?

ARCHIE: What are you talking about — give me that phone. (talking to 123notary) Is this your 1234notary?

123notary: 123

ARCHIE: Whatever. Am I talking to the Noterary?

123NOTARY: One of them.

ARCHIE: I need a notary to come to 704 Hauser Street. How much do you charge?

123NOTARY: That will be 20 cents per signature plus $4 travel fee.

ARCHIE: $4 travel fee? Rake me over the coals why don’t you. I have a drug test I need notarized.

123NOTARY: Do you have the actual paperwork?

ARCHIE: No, but I’ll get it on Monday.

123NOTARY: We can’t notarize the actual test results, but we can notarize a statement from you regarding the authenticity of the test.

ARCHIE: Yeah, authenticity, whatever.

(Archie goes to the drug test)

NURSE: We just need a blood and urine sample. Could you urinate into this container? Just do your business!

ARCHIE: Aw, couldn’t you be more discreet?

NURSE: Okay. Go tinkle. Is that better?

(2 minutes later)

NURSE: Great. This is a good sample. We’ll let you know your results tomorrow. Just come in anytime after 9am.

(the next day)

ARCHIE: Hi, I need to pick up the drug test results.

NURSE: You realize these results are strictly confidential.

ARCHIE: Tell the whole world, I don’t care. I never touched drugs in my life.

NURSE: (quietly) Your test results show that you have trace amounts of marijuana in your system, but you passed.

ARCHIE: Shh. shh… shhh… Did you grab the wrong cup? How is that even possible?

NURSE: It’s very common to accidentally inhale second hand smoke and it could happen anywhere… at work, at home, or even walking down the street.

ARCHIE: I’ve never been around Mary Jane in my life.

NURSE: Don’t be so soon Mr. Bunker. Drug tests don’t lie!

(an hour later)

123NOTARY: So, you want to sign a statement saying that you never used drugs. And that you don’t know where you accidentally inhaled Marijuana.

ARCHIE: Sure, sure, whatever I need to do to expungulate the record.

123NOTARY: Sign here, and then raise your right hand and repeat after me.

(later that night, Archie confronts Michael and insists that he must have inhaled Michael’s second hand smoke, and then demanded that Michael get a drug test to prove it)

.

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January 3, 2011

Sign-Feld: The List!

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 4:24 am

Kramer becomes a notary and wants to learn to market himself. So, he calls Carmen on 123notary.com. Giddy-up!

KRAMER: Carmen, it’s Cosmo. Okay, I want in. What do I need to get started?

CARMEN: You need a listing on 123notary.com, a loan signing course and a list of signing companies.

KRAMER: Whoa, Nellie. I don’t have time for lists.

CARMEN: Yes Kramer — a list. You need to get signed up with all of the good companies on the list.

KRAMER: Do I need to part with any hard-earned cash to get this list?

CARMEN: What hard-earned cash?

KRAMER: Answer the question.

CARMEN: Don’t tell anybody else that I told you this, but the list is actually on sale — for free now. Just go to our blog!

KRAMER: Your blog? Oooh. I like blogs. What’s your blog address?

CARMEN: Just go to 123notary.com and click on the orange icon near the top of the screen.

KRAMER: Orange. Sinatra’s favorite color! And do I need to pass a test or something?

CARMEN: Just study from the loan signing course and then you can take our online test whenever you’re ready. It’s six and a half minutes long, so be prepared

KRAMER: I was a boy scout. I’m always prepared.

KRAMER: Jerry, you’ll never guess what I’m doing now.

JERRY: You became part of a traveling circus and you’re on your way to CVS to get more clown makeup?

KRAMER: Not exactly, but you’re right about the traveling part. I’m now officially a traveling notary.

JERRY: Really, so how does that work? Considering you never travel out of your apartment.

KRAMER: Well, you go to people’s houses to help them sign documents. Then I stamp the documents.

ELAINE: Are they stamp-worthy?

KRAMER: They’re the only kind I attach my good name to.

JERRY: I thought they attach their name.

KRAMER: They do. Come watch. It’ll be fun.

ELAINE: (laughs) Can I watch Jerry watch?

JERRY: Forget it. I’m too busy to watch or be watched.

KRAMER: Are you too intimidated by the notion of learning the art of the stamp, Jerry? Maybe you’re… above it all? Are you… too funny in that borderline whimsical standup way of yours to learn a notary’s tricks of the trade?

JERRY: All right. Spill it already. What do I need to learn to become a notary?

KRAMER: I’m not letting you in on my secret.

JERRY: Secret? What secret?

(later at Monk’s diner)

JERRY: Hey George. Have you noticed Kramer acting a little funny lately?

GEORGE: Funny in that borderline whimsical standup way?

JERRY: I’ve crossed that border into full whimsy! Did Kramer mention anything about some secret he was keeping?

GEORGE: He just was babbling about some mobile notary thing. It sounds like a big scam to me.

JERRY: Did he mention anything else about it?

GEORGE: Just that it might be a great way to meet women, and something about a list.

JERRY: A list?

GEORGE: Not sure. The only time I remember something is when I write it down on a list.

JERRY: Why would Kramer be keeping a list?

GEORGE: Hey, if I became a Notary, do you think I could meet women?

JERRY: If you were Hugh Heffner, you couldn’t meet women!

(Later back at Jerry’s apartment…)

(Newman ENTERS.)

NEWMAN: Hello…Jerry.

JERRY: Hello…Newman. What brings your overgrown carcass here?

NEWMAN: I’m here to speak with Kramer about a private matter.

JERRY: The only thing you keep private is your cholesterol level.

NEWMAN: It’s 360 – So there! (handing list to Kramer) Here’s the people on my mail route going through a divorce.

KRAMER: (handing over to Newman) Here’s your embosser.

JERRY: Wait a minute. You two are in cahoots? Don’t tell me Newman’s becoming a notary.

NEWMAN: I’ve already become one. I hand people their mail. Why shouldn’t I hand them papers to sign and make double the coin? (Fiendishly laughs)

JERRY: (to Kramer) Newman’s list of troubled marriages? That’s your list?

KRAMER: Just one of them. Now when people sign their divorce papers, who do you think will be there to officiate?

JERRY: Newman, that’s who.

NEWMAN: I resent that, Seinfeld. You’re implying I’d usurp Kramer.

JERRY: I’m not implying anything, Newman. You’d cheat Kramer as fast as you’d cheat your starving mother out of a glazed doughnut!

NEWMAN: Not till I make it… (waving embosser) official. (Fiendishly laughs)

(2 hours later)

JERRY: George, I found out what one of the lists is. It’s a list of newly divorced people on Newman’s mail route.

GEORGE: Newly divorced people on his mail route? What does he, reading their dear John letters?

JERRY: I think dear John is for breaking up. By the time you’re at the divorce stage, nobody callin’ anybody “dear.” What is that other list?

GEORGE: I think I overheard him talking to Carmen at 123notary about it. She’ll know. Just call the number on 123notary.com.

JERRY: I’m impressed George. You remembered something that wasn’t on a list.

GEORGE: (pulls out a list from his pocket) Well, I had a little help.

JERRY: I’m going to call Carmen. (ring-ring)

CARMEN: 123notary, this is Carmen.

JERRY: Carmen, it’s Jerry Seinfeld.

CARMEN: You can’t be Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld would have his people call me.

JERRY: I have no people. I find it’s a lot easier not remembering people’s birthdays. You gotta tell me. You know about the list. Kramer knows about the list. I wanna know about the list!

CARMEN: Hmm, I do remember talking to a gentleman named Cosmo yesterday calling from your area code. I gave him instructions for how to visit our blog on 123notary.com and find the 2014 list of best signing companies. Just click on the orange button at the top right of the screen and then click on the category in our blog for good signing companies. Scroll, and you’ll find it.

JERRY: Carmen, if I did have people in my life — you’d be one of them. I’m online now. I’m clicking the orange button… where is that link… here it is! I’m scrolling. There is no list like this. There are the good signing companies, but not best. What happened to the list?

CARMEN: It was dated September 27th.

JERRY: I’m right there. There is no list.

CARMEN: Jeremy must have taken it down. You’ll have to take this up with him by email.

(Kramer slides in)

JERRY: What happened to that list?

KRAMER: You mean George’s crib sheet?

JERRY: You know what list I’m talking about Kramer. I checked with Carmen, and they took the list down!

KRAMER: I’m listless, Jerry. I sold my list. And I won’t say to who. The documents aren’t the only thing sealed. So are my lips.

JERRY: What are you telling me Kramer?

KRAMER: It’s the list Jerry, the list. I may have sold it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have it.

JERRY: Can you share the list? Just this one time?

KRAMER: Oh no, I can’t. I can’t share the list.

JERRY: Oh come on!

ELAINE: Guess who I just saw outside?

JERRY: I don’t go outside. There are too many people out there.

ELAINE: I saw Newman. I don’t know what he was staring at more worshipfully, his tuna sub, or this piece of paper he was staring at.

JERRY: I’m following him. (Jerry goes outside) Newman! You’re the one with the list.

NEWMAN: That’s right Jerry. (driving off in his convertible while waving the list in the air)

.

You might also like:

Seinfeld — George’s parents get a vow renewal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15132

The Seinfeld episode about a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10208

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January 1, 2011

Noternity Court

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Sit-Coms — Tags: , , , — admin @ 8:10 am

I’m tired of seeing all of these late night shows about people who can’t keep their pants on. Then, someone gets pregnant, and they don’t know who the father is. What is the future of our country if we can’t even bear children with two sane parents who are married I ask?

In any case. There is a new show call Noternity Court. There are some states that don’t require the use of a notary seal. The problem is, that if the notary’s handwriting is bad enough, you won’t be able to tell after the fact who notarized the document.

JEFF SIMONS: Your honor, it was 20 years ago. I can’t possibly remember if I notarized that document.

SAM (client) : It’s him… I swear it. If you overlook the balding head, the wrinkles around his eyes, and the extra 50 pounds he gained, that’s the same guy.

JEFF SIMONS: How can you be so sure?

JEFF SIMERS: Yeah, I have almost the exact same name and our signatures are so similar, how can you tell the difference.

JUDGE: You’re speaking out of order. Now, I’ve submitted your notary commission signatures and identification to a signature analysis crew. If necessary I’ll also have you take a lie detector test. Since the analysis is late. Let’s start with teh lie detector.

TECHNICIAN: Now, that we have you all wired, up I’m going to ask you a few questions.

JEFF SIMONS: Okay

TECHNICIAN: Is your name Jeff Simons.

JEFF SIMONS: Yes

TECHNICIAN: Were you a notary public in the year 1995

JEFF SIMONS: To the best of my knowledge.

TECHNICIAN: A simple yes or no will do. Our records show you were. Now, did you notarize with anyone else during the period when you were notarizing for Sam.

JEFF SIMONS: No, he was the only one.

TECHNICIAN: (pause) He’s telling the truth.

JUDGE: Okay, we have the signature analytics back. The analysis shows that … (pause)

We adjurn this court session for a special announcement.

There is a sale on journals at the ANS — Antiquated Notary Supplies. Don’t do a notary entry without a journal! Otherwise you might end up in Noternity Court.

JUDGE: Now, since your state doesn’t require you to use a notary seal or notary journal, it is very difficult to qeury a particular notary transaction. Do you know how critical these transactions are? What if you were signing off a Deed to a five million dollar property, and your handwriting was so bad they coudn’t tell who the notary was. I think you need to take your jobs a whole lot more seriously. Now, we got the DNA results back, and the handwriting analysis. Jeff Simons…. you are NOT, the notary!

JEFF SIMONS: I’m not? I can’t believe it. That’s fantastic, because I’m broke and can’t make any notary support payments.

JUDGE: Jeff Simers, you have a similar name to the other Jeff, but you are also not…. the notary!

JEFF SIMERS: I’m not? Well, who is?

JUDGE: The notary’s name is Jeff Somors, and he died in Nebraska many years ago. So, we can’t summon him

MEDIUM: Speak for yourself, we can do a seyonce.

JUDGE: Now, you’re talking, but that is not permissable in court. After all, how could we prove the identity of the spirit?

MEDIUM: The way we prove anyone else’s identity. Just have the spirit sign something, and ask your handwriting analyst!

JUDGE: I think we’re on to something!

Court Adjourned!

.

You might also like:

Notary dragged into court
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2635

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

Can you send a loose acknowledgment? You should hear the answers!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16168

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