TEACHER: Now, class, as we all know, we are all little snowflakes now aren’t we?
CLASS: Yes teacher
TEACHER: And we don’t have to be responsible about anything in life because the world owes us a living. Anyone who criticizes us is bad because they might offend or hurt our feelings which is the worst thing of all. Now class, we must all be sensitive to how people identify. Let’s go around the class.
SHELLIE: I self-identify as being a male police man.
TODD: I just came back from a trip to India, and my nuts were sore from the car bouncing on the bumpy roads in the mountains. Such unbelievable pain. I bet you have had similar problems being a man, right?
SHELLIE: Excuse me?
TODD: You mean your nuts have never hurt?
SHELLIE: I don’t have those yet. I’m transitioning dummie.
FRANK: I self-identify with being a Notary Public.
TODD: Oh good, how much is it to get an Affidavit of copy of transcript notarized?
FRANK: What’s an Affidavit?
TODD: It is a document you notarize… That’s what Notaries do you know. Do you have a stamp and a Notary commission?
FRANK: I think we have to stand up to this type of harassment. My feelings are hurt!
TODD: Have you filed your Oath and Bond with the county clerk?
FRANK: What’s a bond?
SHIMON: I self-identify as being a sephardic cantor.
TODD: Can you sing me some lines from what you sing in shul?
SHIMON: Oh yeah… (sings very Moroccan sounding Hebrew prayers and sways from side to side.)
TODD: Just out of curiousity, did you start out as a Sephardic cantor, or did you transition into it?
SHIMON: I had to go to school to learn to become a cantor. You can’t “cant” unless you study.
TODD: Did you have to study to become Sephardic?
SHIMON: You kind of have to be born into that, but it’s complicated. To be of a tribe, your affiation is based on the father, but your religion based on the mother.
SHELLIE: What about your sexual identity — is that based on your mother’s lineage or your father’s?
SHIMON: I’ll have to think about that. Have a nice evening and Shalom!
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