(ring-ring)
NOTARY: Brooklyn Notary!
WOODY: Ah yes, I mean hi, I mean… um… there’s something I need to ask you. (pause) I mean if that’s okay. If that’s all right.
NOTARY: What type of question?
WOODY: Well, I need something notarized, but I wanted to meet you near city hall, so that I could file the document the minute I got it notarized. Kind of like one stop shopping, except it’s not exactly shopping… well, philosophically speaking. I mean in a Freudian way, it might be considered shopping but..
NOTARY: Brooklyn City Hall?
WOODY: Yeah…. Noon tomorrow. But, there are so many people there. I feel like I need to fight them off. I’m not the confrontational type. I’m very timid actually. Too timid. Last week I got beat up by Quakers.
NOTARY: Beat up by Quakers? Did you steal their oats… or steal their wife’s bonnets?
WOODY: Well, it’s a long story actually. You see I took one of the best parking spots outside of their Quaker Meeting hall. Well, it wasn’t me, it was my girlfriend — she was driving me. They go through this every week I guess. You know, the difficulty finding parking spots. It can be exasperating for anyone. It must have been easier for them back in the days of the horse and buggy. Simpler. They like simplicity. I do too. With me it’s more of a Zen thing though. But, the hostility. It must be all of the silent worshiping — keeps all of their aggression all pent up. I see how they could just explode… or Implode under those conditions.. It’s really very scientific when you think about it actually — except that (pause) well, I don’t believe in science.
NOTARY: Maybe they should have a sign saying, “Parking for Quakers only!”
WOODY: I’ll bring that up with them next time I see them, I mean, providing they don’t start chasing me down the street.
NOTARY: So, do you know where to park?
WOODY? Oh no, I don’t drive. I have too much hostility. You know. Something could happen. I would be like a Kamakazi. Swooping down on people. Like a Japanese Zero. Whoommmm!
NOTARY: Okay, so you know how to get there.
WOODY: Oh yeah. I go there all the time. Sometimes I go for fun. You know, seeing everyone so busy. It makes me start to think that there’s a purpose in this existence with all the running around.
NOTARY: Just make sure you bring your ID. I have a purpose in having ID”s.
WOODY: Oh… yes of course. I always keep my ID. On my person. It’s so important. My mother taught me that the worst thing you could possibly do besides failing to wear clean underwear was not to have your ID on your person — or for it to be expired.
NOTARY: Oh, was she a Notary?
WOODY: Well, actually not. She had a bad experience with a Notary. And then she started dreaming about him after the fact. She would wake up screaming. It was always a crazy looking guy chasing her around with a 12 inch wide Notary Seal. It was so surreal. But, I never had that experience. I love the idea of being Notarized. It seems like such a Kafka-esque experience.
NOTARY: You can say that again!
