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April 15, 2016

David Schwimmer on The Apprentice

Filed under: Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:07 am

A team of apprentices was hired to assist David Schwimmer with marketing his Notary business. (No actual celebrities were harmed in the making of this blog.) David started his Notary business a year ago if you can call such inactivity a business.

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve assembled two groups of very competent people. Nowhere near as competent as me, but you knew that. And if you didn’t know that, you should be fired. Both groups will be responsible for marketing David’s Notary business. The way you market this business is up to you. And may the best way win!

(At this point the two teams go off into their private quarters and strategize. They will be back with a finished plan in an hour.)

JACK FROM TEAM 1: Our team decided to help David grow his Notary business by utilizing the omnipotent power of the web. We created a budget that would allow David to create his own website as well as advertise on the NNA’s Signing Agent directory as well as Notary Cafe which is another popular directory. Our total budget is estimated to be $10,000 to create, maintain and market this website for the first year, and that budget includes the fees for the other directories mentioned.

DONALD TRUMP: Jack, I am thrilled that you’ve figured out how to use the power of the web. My 2 year-old nephew has figured out the power of the web. What I want to know is – can you use it efficiently and effectively? And by the way, those are two different things, just like human hair and my hair are two different things. And secondly, having a website is a huge drain of money and time, and after all of the time you put into it, there’s no guarantee that even one person will ever see it. Your resources could be better spent on other avenues that have already been established. And by the way, I’m talking avenues that don’t even have buildings with my name on them.

You need to use established avenues. But without using them in the proper way, you’ll be ignored more than anybody alive I will ever run against. Advertising on a website makes you visible, but focusing on creating the perfect presentation on your listing will get you seen and get you phone calls. What I want to know is – how do you plan on dressing up your listings, so you don’t waste your time, or mine, and mine is worth a helluva lot more than yours by the way.

Last but not least, you’re not advertising on 123Notary.com, the worlds’ best notary site ever. And I’m talking EVER.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Our team decided to go for a more grass roots approach to marketing Dave’s business. Rather than utilizing the power of the web, we thought it would be more effective to take a personal approach to marketing by getting to know the Attorneys in our area, and using the 123notary.com list of best signing companies to prospect for work. Our plan requires a budget of only $1000 for marketing labor and to get David’s business booming. Additionally, Attorneys pay Notaries a lot more than most other clients and have many uses for Notaries including jail visits, Power of Attorney signings, Living Wills, and more.

DONALD TRUMP: That’s a good thing that you’re not wasting money on your plan. I like that! I also like the fact that you’re helping David get more buck for the bang by getting him some premium clients. However, you’ve missed some very obvious channels to market David’s business. Advertising on web directories is relatively inexpensive, and it takes only minutes to set up a profile that could be seen by thousands of key industry players. Additionally, I like your plan to contact hundreds of signing companies screened by 123notary.com. That is a solid plan. However, did it occur to you also to contact all of the local title companies within 90 minutes of your home location? They need local Notaries, and they would be very likely to hire David. Last, but not least, you forgot to advertise on 123notary.com. There is no other web directory as effective for bringing in high paying title companies than 123notary.com. Hello?? It’s 123. Even my 2 year-old nephew can count to 123.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: I forgot. I’ll never forget anything again, I promise.

DONALD TRUMP: You’re fired.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Why?

DONALD TRUMP: I can’t stand liars.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Nice hair.

DONALD TRUMP: In this case, I’ll make an exception.

.

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