JOHNNY: I’m doing a Notary in the hood, but every time I go there, I get followed by these characters. The harrassment never ends.
WIZARD: No problem. We developed this device. Just press the button and we will teleport ourselves to wherever you are and show up in our klan outfits to protect you.
JOHNNY (White Liberal Notary): Hmm, I don’t know. I don’t exactly approve of your organization.
WIZARD: Well when the police are nowhere to be found you might reconsider.
DARIAN (Confident Black Notary): Hey man, don’t worry about these guys. They ain’t no problem. I ain’t afraid of nothin’.
(The next day. Johnny walks through the hood and gets followed.)
THUGS: What are you doing in our hood, white boy?
JOHNNY: Uh -oh… (presses button)
WIZARD: Stop following my friend Johnny, or I’ll be back with my boys!
THUGS: Hmmm. We better see our connections about this.
(The thugs go to see their contact who gives them an emergency button for backup.)
THUGS: We need an emergency button!
SALESMAN: Just watch this video. “When I have thug back up, it doesn’t matter if I don’t know where I am… THEY know where I am. It detects if I fall, and they have a file on what my medical (or legal) problems are.
(The next day. Johnny has another notary appointment in the hood and once again gets followed.)
THUGS: So, you came back to our hood. What brought you back?
JOHNNY: Work. (presses button several times)
WIZARD: (appears out of thin air) Okay, I’m here with my gang of six. Back off and don’t bother our friend Johnny.
THUGS: Well we have a little surprise for you. (presses button and twelve more thugs show up and beat up the klan guys). Take that (bash) and that (clash). You guys are a bunch of racists.
WIZARD’s ASSISTANT: Well we wouldn’t be here if you weren’t racially harassing and beating up OUR people.
THUGS: Good point.
WIZARD: When we defend our people it’s okay, but when you do your business, it’s racist.
THUGS: What a double standard!
WIZARD: Uh-oh. Time to leave. (presses button and disappears.)
JOHNNY: Uh oh. Time to call 911. (911 comes)
THUGS: Uh-oh, police on the scene, you know what I mean. Time to press the disappear button.
(Meanwhile Darius the other Notary who ain’t afraid of nothin’ got jumped and is currently in the hospital.)
DARIAN: I can’t believe this happened. I felt so secure. And now I’m in the hospital.
WIZARD: I can’t believe I’m in here as well. Can’t we all just get along?
DARIUS: Am I hearing this correctly? YOU want to get along?
(Meanwhile, the police confront the gang.)
POLICE: Freeze, we have you surrounded.
THUGS: That’s what you think. (presses button and twelve more thugs arrive and engage in shoot out.)
POLICE: We better press our back up button. (presses button and twenty more police arrive.)
THUGS: We need more backup, but our button is malfunctioning.
POLICE: This is just like the Los Angeles riots of 1992. We better get out of here. It’s too dangerous. We’ll just tell the Korean merchants or whomever is in trouble that we can’t make it and that we hope they have insurance. See ya!
THUGS: Before you go, isn’t confronting danger to make society safer the whole point of your job?
POLICE: Not in our book. Getting home by 6pm to our loving wives and getting paid overtime is the main priority, not to mention getting my damn steering wheel fixed.
BACK IN THE HOSPITAL ……
WIZARD: If you wouldn’t go to that hood, we wouldn’t have this problem to begin with.
NOTARY: Hey, I’m an equal opportunity Notary. Now you’re being racist.
WIZARD: If those intolerant thugs were not in the hood, you would not have called us in the first place. You can’t change the world, but you can change your habits.
NOTARY: Good point.
(The next day after a quick recovery with a few bandages the Wizard goes to one of the thug’s house to protest what happened.)
WIZARD: I am burning this cross as a candle light vigil to protest the unfair racial discrimination that our people have faced due to the thug that lives in this here building. Hey, what are you guys doing here?
JEW KLUX KLAN GUY: Jewish power! I am burning this star of David to protest also. But, because someone else in this complex married out of our faith. Such a disgrace.
ISLAMIC EXTREMIST GUY: I saw you guys and decided to join the party. I’m burning a crescent. It’s our way of doing things. But, I actually have nothing to protest today. After all, Israel didn’t build any new settlements recently.
(Meanwhile a very angry lady from nearby in the ‘hood drove by and started shooting.)
WIZARD: We are being persecuted all over again while having a peaceful protest. The unfairness of it all — ouch, I’m hit. Back to the hospital.
WIZARD: Hey, it’s you again
DARIAN: You’re back. Getting beat up wasn’t enough for you, you had to get shot.
WIZARD: I could have died in that there ‘hood. We’re being persecuted (sniffle.)
(Another angry lady from the same ‘hood as the thugs comes to the hospital room and starts shooting, but gets arrested)
LADY: I’m shooting these people because they are racists!
WIZARD: We didn’t do anything racist… at least not in the last few years. We were protesting being persecuted by thugs from your ‘hood, and the result is to be violently persecuted two more times. Do I need to fill out a permission slip to have freedom of speech and expression?
POLICE: How unfair, and especially for these things to happen to you of all people sarcastically). I’m sure a good half a percent of the population in Los Angeles will have sympathy and feel your pain.
WIZARD: Well they should (whimper.) And I’m sure they just love paying over time for you to have donuts.
POLICE: Actually, we switched to bagels for health reasons. It is sort of a culture shift in the department.
DARIAN: Hey man, this guy is just defending his people. Wait. Why am I defending you?
This skit was thought of when watching the commercial for the emergency health button. It detects if you fell, and you can press the button, and help will be on the way.
“I don’t need to know where I am… THEY know where I am. If I called 911 they wouldn’t know what to do, but emergency button has my health information on file.”
You might also like:
Notarization in the ‘hood
Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – The Notary Manual
Best virtual notary comedy compilation updated to 2018