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June 1, 2018

American Idol for Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:08 am

The Notary wannabe appears before the judges.

RYAN SEACREST: So, how long have you wanted to be a Notary.

NOTARY: Ever since I was old enough to sign my name in the sand on a tidal affidavit.

RYAN SEACREST: Dream big, go gettem.

LIONEL RITCHIE: And who do we have today.

NOTARY: Normally, I say hi, but to you Lionel, I say, hello, is it me you’re looking for.

LIONEL RITCHIE: Well it’s you we’re looking at, at a minimum. And if you keep up at this rate it’s going to be “All night long.” So, what are you going to be doing for us today?

NOTARY: Well, since I don’t sing any songs other than, “You give Notaries a bad name,” and “Subscribed and sworn to before me by.” which are classics in our industry by the way. But, I’m going to administer an Oath for you tonight.

KATIE PERRY: Oh good, I love Oaths. I took an Oath once, that I’d do this show for 20 million dollars.

LUKE BRYAN (Southern Guy): So, let’s hear it. Do you need an Affiant?

NOTARY: A what?

LIONEL RITCHIE: Don’t you need an Affiant if you do “swear you swear me… that’s the way it should be…”

LUKE BRYAN: What about Notarizing on the ceiling?

NOTARY: That would be great, but where would I sit? What about once, twice, three times a Notary?

LIONEL RITCHIE: An Affiant is the person who swears under Oath in an Oath. You’re supposed to know that as a Notary. You haven’t been studying from the 123notary free Notary Public 101 course, have you.

NOTARY: No, knowing these technical terms doesn’t really matter.

LUKE BRYAN: It does it if means you can’t perform your job.

KATIE PERRY: Or perform on our show. If there’s one thing us ladies can’t stand, it’s a guy who can’t perform.

NOTARY: Can I swear you in Lionel?

LIONEL: Sure. Notarizing will find a way. So, show us what you can do!

NOTARY: Okay, (singing) “Please raise your right hand — whoa ee whoa whoa whoa.”

LIONEL: (singing) Is it your seal that I’m looking for??? (raises right hand)

NOTARY: (singing) I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile, you’re all I’ve ever wanted to swear in, my heart is open wide. Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

LIONEL: Mr. Notary, I signed a document here in front of me. I am not about to make a statement, I signed a statement in the past tense. It is true, but not the whole truth. We are not in court here doing Oaths for witnesses. This is a document Oath. I don’t think you’re ready for this show. You need to take a few years off and learn the craft in timing. You can always come back.

KATIE PERRY: Sorry, but you’re not going to get the golden ticket.

LUKE BRYAN: I agree, I vote no.

LIONEL: One, two, three times a no!!! But, you can study from (singing) one, two, three, notary dot com, oh baby baby baby, get down with the one two three…. they teach you everything and mostly for free.

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