This is not the type of chip you eat with salsa. It is a chip that you implant in your brain. It will automatically connect you with what we call, “Universal Notary Consciousness” and it is for your benefit, and for your safety. You will be required by law to have this chip implanted by a doctor, otherwise you would be too risky to have a Notary commission.

This chip will have several functions, all of which are critical to our industry.

1. It will track whether you really meant it when you swore to support and defend the constitution. If you meant it, that is a problem because the constitution defends liberty and was specifically crafted to fight tyranny. If you believe in the constitution or America, you are a potential trouble maker.

California Notary Oath of Office Verbiage
Do you solemnly swear that you will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this State, and that you will discharge the duties of the office of Notary Public in and for said County to the best of your ability? When are you required by law to do Oaths?

2. It will track if you are thinking for yourself, as it can read thoughts. If you are, it will shut your thoughts down.

3. If you need thinking help from UNC or Universal Notary Consciousness, it will help you. That way, if you are in a difficult notarization, that involves giving someone a vaccine, the consciousness will tell you how to handle differences in opinion and help you find the “correct” ideology to promote. The main thing is to assure the signer that the vaccine is good for them and will make them stronger and better. It will help them think in new ways, and make new friends. And it is for the benefit of society to keep others safe from them. And that they would be a risk to society if they didn’t take the vaccine.

You might be thinking, what does being a Notary have to do with vaccinating people? The masks, social distancing, shutdowns, endless rules, vaccines, and social control are all about the same thing — controlling you, demeaning you, and eventually reducing the world population.

But, it will be very hard for people to succeed in their agenda if even 1% of the population stands up for themselves. People are so passive these days. Boys are taught not to be toxic and given drugs if they are. This all leads to a population of sheep who never stand for anything and can be sterilized, put out of work, or murdered through covert means.

The sad news is that Notary chip is already in you. It is called lamestream media and it tells you how to think, and most of the words that come out of your month about meaningful issues are verbatum from fake news — or from Fox news which preaches the opposite. But, few of us have our own thoughts.

So, if you think this article is “scary”, the article is not what you should be afraid about. Go outside your house, looking around, and tell me what you see — tell me what you see is not scary. Not a single person is coughing, not a single person is sick, yet 90% of society thinks we are in a pandemic. Is that not brainwashing? The Notary chip is already in you. Wake up!

NOTARY: Hello Mike, how is everything?

MIKE: It’s been rough. People are cancelling me left and right because of my political beliefs. It’s like living in a communist country.

NOTARY: Well, I’m not going to cancel you. May I see some ID?

MIKE: Here you go.

NOTARY: Let’s see, you want to be notarized as Michael J Lindell, but your ID says only Michael Lindell. Sorry… I’m canceling you based on your ID, but not your political views.

MIKE: It has the J there. Time to see an eye doctor.

NOTARY: I just don’t like the way people cut you off, and without any type of landing pad. There was no cushion to your landing. And all because of your PILLOW-tical views.

MIKE: It’s because the pillow guy is “in bed” with the enemy, at least from their point of view. On the other hand, maybe the cancellers got up on the wrong side of the bed.

NOTARY: For them, every side of the bed is the wrong side.

MIKE: I’ll sign to that!

NOTARY: Well maybe you should resolve your issues with the left by having a pillow fight. By the way. I just love how you get all excited over something so mundane as a pillow. You get as excited about pillows as I get just thinking about my future trip to Japan where I will do sake tasting, see amazing parts of Tokyo with the most unique shopping on the planet, and see Buddhist temples in Kyoto.

MIKE: You’re right. I guess I’m a bit eccentric. But, that Egyptian cotton is something else.

NOTARY: I bet Amazon probably cut you off. They have become a bunch of Piranhas in the last few years which is an interesting insight. I guess their business name has a lot of metaphysical impact on their character.

MIKE: Hmm. Very interesting. I never thought of that. So, what does my business name make me — a big softy?

NOTARY: Actually, you kind of act like that… I think you are correct in your assertation. (pause) Please sign here. (pause) According to Judaism, your name is very important. The most famous story in the Torah is when Rachel’s son Benoni’s name was changed to Benjamin. From: son of my sorrows to: son of my right hand. Rachel had to change the boy’s name otherwise he would attract a negative and sorrowful future. But, you are named after an angel, so I guess you are on the right track. And I think angels like pillows.

MIKE: I should order some new wings from Amazon assuming I’m not banned from there. I should get a warranty on angelic wings too if I get some. Angel wings, not teriyaki wings — just wanted to clarify that.

NOTARY: Can you sign the journal? Uh-huh…. Okay. I’m going to stamp the document. You are good to go. Your new pillow contract is good now — REST ASSURED.

MIKE: Another pillow reference.

NOTARY: Have you ever thought of making coffins too? Dead people like to be comfortable too — I’ve heard.

MIKE: I would like to create a coffin for dead people who vote by mail who need to get in and out of that coffin and go to the post office. There’s a big market for those folks, at least as of 2020.

NOTARY: Good point.How about a briefcase with a very soft exterior, or a Notary journal with a very soft cover?

MIKE: Not much of a market for that, but sounds like a great idea. Well thanks for the Affidavit, do I need to swear to anything?

NOTARY: Your notarization was an Acknowledgment and doesn’t include an Oath. But, I am so good with Oaths, I can give them in my sleep… I swear it!

MIKE: Uh…. another pillow reference. I saw that one coming. Okay, it was fun. Let’s hope that this cancel culture ends soon.

NOTARY: And if it doesn’t, you can suffocate it with one of your products.

MIKE: Another one. That one I didn’t see coming!

Paul the Notary navigated his way around a huge crowd on his way up the steps to the Capitol. He had never seen so many MAGA hats in his life. He had been hired to notarize Mark who called from within the Capitol building for a last minute emergency signing.

NOTARY: Hello, I’m here. Who needed a Notary?

RANDOM PERSON: Buddy, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.

NOTARY: It’s not like I’m committing a capitol offense… well actually, bad choice of words, perhaps I am. I am on restricted Federal property — but, I didn’t see a sign, so that makes it okay.

BUBBA: Are you the Notary? We’ve been waiting for you.

NOTARY: Yeah. Who am I notarizing? Is it Confederate Flag guy over there, the guy running around with zip ties, or the guy with the painted face and the horns. Oh, goodie, I hope it’s the guy with the horns.

BUBBA: No, it’s Ramsey over here. He’s been shot and needs a Power of Attorney to authorize his sister to take care of his property.

NOTARY: Ouch. Is he going to get arrested in the middle of the notarization?

RAMSEY: Here, I am weak, but I can sign that journal.

NOTARY: Sign it in blood. Oh, wrong time for that joke.

RAMSEY: It’s okay, I always wanted to die this way.

NOTARY: So, if you die, would you die fighting for your country, or against your country… I’m having trouble figuring out who is who over here.

RAMSEY: We’re fighting for what our country stands for.

NOTARY: And the opposition can’t STAND that, right?

RAMSEY: Another joke. Basically, they sit for justice, we stand for it.

NOTARY: And you can’t SIT injustice.

RAMSEY: Right now I’m lying, but I’m not telling any untruths.

BUBBA: He lies about everything, but only when he is dead tired. Now, I’m doing it.

NOTARY: So you lied beside a Notary, but not to a Notary. Good thing you are not under Oath. You’ll have to sit up for your Oath so you are not lying. Please raise your right gun… I mean your right hand.

RAMSEY: Okay… Uh oh, gunshots. (bang… bang)

BUBBA: Better put your hand down otherwise you might lose it.

ONLOOKER: He won’t be needing it… at least not the way he is going.

NOTARY: Was that friendly fire or un (bang…. bang.) I better get down too. Put your hand out horizontally. Or should I say, LAY your hand out. Do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are true and correct.

RAMSEY: Yes, but this document is intended to get an Acknowledged signature which doesn’t require an Oath.

NOTARY: Hmmm. Maybe you should be a Notary in a future life. You are correct. Okay. Here is my stamp. You better give this document to your document custodian.

BUBBA: I know his sister so I’ll take care of it.

NOTARY: So, if I say I support the constitution and love the flag, does that make me a white supremicist?

ONLOOKER: Only if you mean it!

BUBBA: Which flag, the American or the Confederate flag? These days they are considered to have the same implications. I was asked to take the American flag off my textbook at school because it was too, “controversial.”

(Later that day on MSNBC)

REPORTER: A white supremacist sympathizer Notary arrived at the Capitol to notarize a man committing treason.

BUBBA: I thought we were protesting against treason — I should start my own news outlet. Why do they always twist facts.

REPORTER: But, the Notary was not wearing a MAGA hat or holding a flag. Looks like these supremacists are hiding under the radar these days. It’s hard to identify them without any distinguishing markings. They look just like regular people without the red hats and the flags.

NOTARY: I’m just doing my job. I am neither for these people or against them. I don’t even know what they were doing, what they thought they were doing, or what they planned (if they planned at all) to do. Do we have to distort every single fact that we talk about?

BUBBA: On their network that is an essential part of their business model.

NOTARY: Does anyone else need a Notary? I need to make a little more out of this trip to pay for my parking. I had to pay a mint for parking, walk over half a mile and risk my life to get here.

SALLY: Do you do Oaths?

NOTARY: Funny you should ask. Please raise your right hand, oh, and that will be $10 please, but hold the ten in your left hand. The other left hand… there you go…