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September 4, 2013

If Jay Leno were in the notary business

The government promised to ‘detect and pursue” American tax evaders in the last year in which time they appointed many of them as newly commissioned notary publics.

State representatives speak up at congress about notary law and come to a consensus that there should be exactly 12 notaries per state that are authorized to handle Apostilles.

The government has received many complaints that the notary exams in many states are just too difficult and contain trick questions. So, they decided to make a law to simplify these exams by only allowing two possible answers to multiple choice questions — and to make sure they are not that tricky, those answers are to be supplied by the test taker.

@ a signing…
You better sign this Deed of Trust fast before Obama passes a new tax reform making it illegal to deduct mortgage payments from yoru taxes which could happen anytime in the next few minutes!

I just talked to my bartender. He told me that my loan will end up on the top shelf after it has been aged properly for 18 years — and that is a status symbol — so, I shouldn’t even think of using the pre-payment penalty.

Do you realize that if you finished paying off your 30 year loan today, that it would have been originated back in 1983 when Van Halen was popular. The world was a completely different place back then. Home computers were only owned by a tiny portion of the population, and the USSR was still a nation. By the time you finish paying off the loan that you are signing tonight, it will be 2043. It will be a completely different world by then. We might not even have cars then. We might get in levitating shuttles. There whole world might be politically unified by then. And worst of all, Obama-care probably won’t be in effect at all. Whatever you do — don’t use your prepayment penalty or you will ruin the joke!

Today the government was discussing the shortage of low wage, entry level jobs that illegal immigrants could do that they could offer a 5 year work visa for. The meeting went on for five straight days before any sensible ideas came in. Finally, a notary suggested that $50 packages including e-documents and fax backs should be added to the list of jobs in that category.

Why do you have to pay a loan origination fee? Because you have to pay a huge up-front price to have the good fortune of being able to pay them interest for the rest of your life. You pay them, so that you can pay them and pay them and pay them — and it all starts with the loan origination fee!

Oh, and don’t forget to sign the notification of flood zone disclosure or the being within range of Kim Jong Un’s missiles disclosure either. Your loan won’t fund without those.

A borrower once asked me: If Kim Jong Un took over America, would we all be eating kim-chee? I answered, yes, but you wouldn’t be able to see it because the electricity would be off 90% of the day unless you work for the military.

Presendent Obama made a new suggestiion to congress today. He suggested that one of the questions that should be asked when applying for a gun permit should be, “Are you planning on taking out a loan in the next 30 days?”.

9000 years ago Noah put two birds, two cats, two dogs, two humans and two notaries on his boat — as well as two of every other type of species. Later Noah was questioned about why he mistook the notaries for a different species. Noah remarked, “Well, they are almost identical to humans, but you can tell them apart because they complain endlessly about everything.”

Democrats proposed a bill that would require notaries to PASS a wetnap to their clients after being thumbprinted, but a Republican majority rejected the idea because they don’t like the idea of passing anything!

If two notaries got together and had children, would the offspring be notaries? Maybe or maybe not, but the parents of such a baby got him the new Pla-skool stamp and affidavit kit!

You might also like:

If Jay Leno were in the notary business part 2

Streetwise: Silly answers to RTC questions


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