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May 10, 2019

A Notary Comedian

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:28 am

I went to see comedy live, but did not know what the show would be like.

COMEDIAN: Are all of you Notaries out there?

CROWD: Not me.

COMEDIAN: And you came anyway? I guess someone didn’t read the Yelp reviews.

WAITRESS: Would you like another drink?

FRED: No close me. Close me like a microwave oven.

WAITRESS: You mean close me out?

FRED: Close me up, down in or out. I need my change.

COMEDIAN: So, I joke about Notary issues mainly. Umm. I grew up in Memphis, but then moved to St. Louis when I was 15. I legally changed my name to Affidavit HUDson. My parents thought I was crazy, but I thought that would look really good on a notary stamp. By the way, this is a great crowd. Where are you from?

LANCE: St. Paul

COMEDIAN: So, if I crack a mediocre joke, are you going to give me a mini-haha?

LANCE: Ah, ha ha. Very funny.

COMEDIAN: At least you’re not from New Hampshire. They were going to change the insignia from “live free or die, to notarize free or die.” Their license plates are made in prison. Well thank God there’s no place such as Notary prison. Can you imagine a place where fraudulent Notaries get locked up?

FRED: I bet they would have overcrowding. I know a lot of very unscrupulous Notaries. So much for being a profession of integrity.

NOTARY: Hey, I resent that. I play by the book.

COMEDIAN: Are any of the pages ripped out?

NOTARY: No, but I like to read page four over and over again. It gives me a deep sense of satisfaction.

COMEDIAN: Is that the page where they go over what types of identification you can accept legally?

NOTARY: That… and more…

LANCE: How come green cards are pink. I just can’t figure that one out. I dated a chick who came illegally and she was so happy when she got her green card. She said, “Aren’t you happy for me?” I said, “I would have been if the damn thing were actually green.”

COMEDIAN: Maybe you were green with envy. Anyone from California?

LINDA: I am.

COMEDIAN: Is it true that if you make a mistake you have to start all over again with a new form?

LINDA: If you make a mistake you have to get an abortion.

COMEDIAN: No, not that type of mistake. A Notary mistake.

LINDA: Oh, that kind of mistake. I just use Notary protection. I’ve never had a problem.

COMEDIAN: Has anyone ever had a signer refuse to be thumb printed?

FRANK: I had a guy refuse to swear. He didn’t believe in it.

COMEDIAN: Well tell him – you don’t believe in swearing, but I don’t believe what you are saying unless you swear to it.

LINDA: I don’t believe in affirming — my name is Linda Collins and I affirm this statement.

FRED: I had a guy who didn’t believe in signing.

COMEDIAN: One of those. Good God. Have you ever gone to a notarization where the signer was interested in you, or creepy?

LINDA: Every signing is like that. I am a mobile notary. If it is for a single guy, it’s creepy. But, I try not to wear anything too sensual to the signing.

FRANK: I should hope not!!! Just sensual enough.

COMEDIAN: I sit at the table where I can see the door and where I am the closest one to the door just in case. You never know. Has anyone notarized a kidnapper before?

WAITRESS: I notarized for someone who kept me waiting 30 minutes to get paid. That was kind of like being held hostage. But, he left a good tip, so it was okay in the long run.

COMEDIAN: I hope he paid you for waiting time.

WAITRESS: I had worked more than 40 hours, so I got waiting time and a half.

LINDA: I once had a signing at a house that was infested. I had to arrange to meet the signer at Starbucks. He brought some bugs with him.

COMEDIAN: Did you try the Jurat-acchino?

FRED: Do you have any Notary jokes?

COMEDIAN: Okay here’s one. Have you ever gotten a job from Snapdocs that paid more than $65

LINDA: Ah ha ha… that was a good one. Actually, I got one, but I had to bargain them up. Is that a term?

FRED: Bargain me up, bargain me down. Isn’t that like 50 shades of grey?

LINDA: How did you know that was my favorite film besides Titanic?

COMEDIAN: Okay here’s another one. Did you hear about the guy who signed up on 123notary who Jeremy didn’t test?

LINDA: What? Is that even possible?

COMEDIAN: Just kidding… see… that was a joke.

LINDA: You had me there… ha ha ha.


1 Comment »

  1. Keep your day job.


    I just realized writing this IS your day job !!

    Comment by Kenneth Edelstein — May 10, 2019 @ 3:35 pm

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