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April 1, 2019

No Notary left behind

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 10:28 am

A group of Notaries decided that enough was enough. They needed to go into battle to solve their problems. They wanted to fight a particular list of signing companies and get their back pay. The problem was, every time they went into battle, a notary would get shot down, and the group did not even realize that a brother had fallen. So, the group decided to be a little more attentive. They decided not to fail to notice if a brother had fallen and also watch out to make sure they didn’t miss a signature. If they had been looking for missing signatures, perhaps they wouldn’t have this problem getting paid in the first place. But, I digress.

So, they attacked XYZ signing company. The signing company shot Eddie down. Then another Notary came to get Eddie, and that other Notary was too shot down. Then a third Notary came to get Eddie and Notary #2 and too got shot down. Finally after the Notary army had lost half its men trying to rescue one, they realized that they would lose the war if they kept this up. They thought long and hard. They had discussions that went on and on for months. They meditated on the issue, but to no avail. Finally, one really weird Notary had an idea. They would ask George Costanza from Seinfeld what to do.

So, a Notary found George, and asked him how to handle these tactical battle situations. George thought about it. He pulled on his beard (yes, he has a beard now) made some grumbling noises then some whiny noises. Said, “hmm” a few times and then another “hmm.” Then he said, “I think I have your ansah. You remember the three second rule? If something drops in the garbage it’s okay to eat it if you retrieve it within three seconds? Well, you need a five minute rule. If one of your guys goes down, rescue him, but continue battle for five minutes before that. That way you still save your guy, but you have a fighting chance to win the battle.”

The Notaries pondered the five minute rule. They thought it was ridiculous, but what do you expect from a Seinfeld character, especially George. If they had asked Kramer, he would have said, “Wood Jerry wood, because I’ve gotta have wood around me!” or, “You gotta TAKE them by surprise. Yeah surprise. If they think you’re coming in front, come in from back when they’re LEAST expecting it. Surprise attack… I love it.”

Then the Notaries wanted to know what Jerry would say.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why do Notaries work for low-balling signing companies. You work all day for someone who either won’t pay you, or who wants to drive your price down to the point where there is barely any point in leaving the house. Personally, I got hired for a comedy gig where they wanted to offer me $30. The price was a joke. I got more laughs telling people what I was going to get paid, than from my material. Instead of fighting a war, don’t work for these companies in the first place. But, as far as George’s rule, five minutes is okay, but if the injury is serious, cut it down to maybe three and a half minutes. You’ve gotta have a sliding scale for these things.

KRAMER: What do you think Jerry? Is this a seven minute injury or more of a six.

JERRY: Ummm? That really looks like more of a three honestly. Yeah, I’d give it a three.

GEORGE: If we were in battle, but the time you assessed your sliding scale, the battle would be over and you would have been shot. I can’t believe this.

JERRY: Good point. But I’m a fast estimator. Just give me a nanosecond. Yup… It’s a three. Carry on troops. (bang bang)

ELAINE: Corporal, are you sure it isn’t a four? (bang bang)

JERRY: No, it’s a three alright. Just look at him. He’s in bad shape. (artillery fire… boom)

GEORGE: Personally I think it’s more of a five, but I never liked that guy, and besides, I’m getting heavy fire here. (bang bang)

ALL: No Notary left behind!


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