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February 8, 2019

Mission Impossible — Notary Version

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:33 am

Tom Cruise Does His Own Stunts in his Biggest Blockbuster Yet – Mission Impossible: The Notary

Your mission, if you choose to accept it… deal with a difficult signer who wants his family to move and if the signer signs a deed in trust, he’ll be locked into the mortgage and won’t be able to sell the house. You’re Tom Cruise. If they pay you 20 million more than a notary’s salary, you’ll accept anything!

Cut to: Tom is in the middle of a signing in a high rise for a husband and wife. The deranged high school drop out son doesn’t want the family to move. Since the signer would suffer economic consequences if he sold the house within several years of the new mortgage, the son runs in the signing, swipes the Deed of Trust, starts running up the stairs towards the roof and jumps off with his parasail. Tom quickly follows, encounters a rooftop party up there, pushes a reveler off the sofa, hops on the couch and leaps off it even more effectively than he did on the Oprah Winfrey Show couch, landing on the fleeing guy’s parasail just as he jumps off the building.

After the parasail lands, Tom and the son dismount. After a fist fight ensues, the son jumps into his getaway car. Tom hijacks another car with a bumper sticker that reads “Honk if You Hate Scientology.” Suddenly Tom’s eardrums nearly shatter from a whole bunch of cars loudly honking. After Tom notes what they’re honking at, a very, very wide bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if You Hate Signing Companies that take more than sixty days to pay if you’ve already sent two invoices,” Tom gives the other loud honkers the thumbs up and starts loudly honking himself.

Tom keeps following the other bad guy/signer, ending up in an industrial area on a narrow street. The car he’s pursuing is now two hundred feet ahead. With a truck coming toward Cruise at a 90-degree angle, he’ll be blocked unless he wants to shave his roof off! Tom screeches to a halt, rolls under the truck and runs towards the other car now a block ahead of him but blocked by 73 pedestrians on a field trip. The bad guy signer exits his car and starts to run, Tom runs towards him, flings his embosser at the guy’s head, knocks him out and retrieves the deed of trust!

By movie’s end, Tom finishes the signing, drops it at Fed Ex before the cutoff, and then asks the baddie in handcuffs:

“By the way, where did you get that parasail? It was an impressively smooth landing, no jerky motion or anything!”

Bad guy: “I went to Parasailsforless.com!”

Tom’s too rich to buy anything for less.

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