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December 28, 2018

Notary Stand Up Routine

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:22 am

COMEDIAN: This is a great crowd here. This is my first time performing for a group of Notaries. In fact, when I came here, I didn’t even know what a Notary was. Can you fill me in here?

NOTARY #1: We can’t fill you in, because we only fill in forms.

COMEDIAN: Well, think of me like a form. So, what was the most unusual thing you ever notarized?

SAMANTHA: I notarized a criminal once. It was kind of scary.

COMEDIAN: Oh, a little aiding and abetting here.

SAMANTHA: Not abetting — abutting. We were notarizing paperwork for the next door property.

COMEDIAN: Oh, thanks for abutting in and telling me.

TOM: I notarized a stripper once. I got paid with a lap dance for the first signature, and she paid for the other signatures in ones.

COMEDIAN: Why does this not surprise me. So, have any of you thought of naming your kids Affi-David?

PAULA: I prefer Liath, that way when he does track, I can say, “Go Liath!!!”

COMEDIAN: An interesting twist on reality. I just hope he doesn’t fall short in track.

NOTARY #1: When I was a teenager, my mom walked in on me when I was notarizing with my friend. We were just practicing.

COMEDIAN: Oh, kind of like playing doctor? How embarrassing.

SAMANTHA: When I became a Notary, my state proctored an exam at a test station, but I heard them wrong and thought they said attestation. So, I went to the wrong place and had to reschedule my exam.

PAULA: Yeah, I had to take a blood test to be a Notary in my test. I passed the test, but they remarked that my triglycerides were a bit too high.

COMEDIAN: How about Oaths. Have you administered any unusual Oaths?

TOM: I had to do a remote court appearance Oath. I asked the lady if she swore to tell the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth so help her God. But, she was an atheist, so I changed the verbiage to “un-God.”

COMEDIAN: Personally, I prefer “non-God” but I’ll settle for un-God. So, has anyone notarized standing up?

PAULA: I notarized at Standing Rock standing up. But, I didn’t have a stand up routine, so my next signing was at Sitting Bull.

COMEDIAN: I hope you didn’t get gourd by the Sitting Bull.

NOTARY #1: I once went to notarize an acupuncturist. She was going to pay me by working on my neck. She wasn’t there. So, I turned around and got stung by a bee right in my neck. At first it hurt, and then my neck felt cured of its stiffness. It’s funny how the universe works.

COMEDIAN: What do you think about doing Notary work in space?

PAULA: Great, if I get paid for my travel time, assuming I’m not in a time warp.

COMEDIAN: Speaking of time, my time is up. You’ve been a great crowd.

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