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August 11, 2017

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:25 am

JEFF SESSIONS: Hello. Can you swing down to the White House? They want me to sign a bill endorsing waterboarding, but I don’t believe in that. So, I want a sworn statement saying that I don’t like waterboarding.

NOTARY: Well, I got a call from the others saying that they’re going to make you sign a bill approving waterboarding. And if you don’t sign it, they’ll waterboard you until you do.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m not afraid. I used to do a lot of underwater diving in my day. I’m a guy who can really hold his breath. Even when smothered by a sheet, but let’s leave KKK jokes out of it.

NOTARY: So, when are you going to sign the affidavit?

JEFF SESSIONS: Don’t hold your breath!

NOTARY: That joke was torture. What about in the next few minutes?

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m a man of principle, not in my lifetime! If I were a younger man, that would really mean something.

NOTARY: Okay, so do you have your document ready?

JEFF SESSIONS: Yup. I’m in the West Wing of the White House. Just come on over, I’ll tell security that you’re coming. Just one thing. Don’t carry any metal objects on you. Or ties longer than the President’s.

NOTARY: What about my crowns and my embosser?

JEFF SESSIONS: They’ll take it apart and put it back together. Like Obamacare. Oh, and they’ll want you to take off your belt.

NOTARY: So, it’s kind of like going to the airport.

JEFF SESSIONS: Recuse me?

(The Notary arrives.)

NOTARY: Mr. Sessions, how are we going to pay off our 20 trillion debt. This will cripple America when there’s a domino effect of nations defaulting on their debt in Europe.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’ve given the matter a lot of thought. I’m very anti-debt. It’s not good to owe anything, including explanations for why I first told Congress I didn’t meet with the Russians. Another reason debt is bad: We could lose our entire economy and be plunged into a horrible depression. But, there isn’t much I can do, as other Americans don’t value moderation and sensibility.

NOTARY: Well, I’m not afraid, because I just invested in Palladium. So, when the dollar crashes, I have hard assets — and I mean hard!

JEFF SESSIONS: Just as long as you didn’t purchase platinum at The Palladium in Hollywood. They sell it at far over market there. So, here’s the document and my ID.

NOTARY: Okay, sign my journal here, sign the document there, and raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that you agree with the contents of this document in its entirety?

JEFF SESSIONS: I do.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you man and document.

JEFF SESSIONS: Guess where I’m going now and what I’m going to be doing?

NOTARY: I’m stumped.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m flying to Miami Beach to go waterboarding.

NOTARY: So, you lied under Oath?

JEFF SESSIONS: Oh no, I love water boarding — the sport. I just don’t like it when it’s used for cruel and unusual measures of torture.

NOTARY: But, if you force someone go water boarding at the beach who hates it, that could be considered torture too.

JEFF SESSIONS: Not if they wear ample sunscreen. Otherwise — we refer to it as “After-torture.”

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