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July 14, 2017

The Atheist’s Bible — for swearing in Affirmations to non-believers

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:50 am

The Atheist’s Bible

When atheists do an affirmation, they need to put their hand on something. And if it’s not the bible, we need a substitute. As “nobody” is his witness… the atheist’s bible is a little different from your Adam & Eve’s Garden Variety version. It also makes a handy gift for a non-believer’s Inaugural Day swearing in ceremony.

And what is it that non-believers, according to their bible, believe?

Nobody said “Let there be light.” It just came on out of the blue.

Heaven and earth was created in three days, not including Sundays or federal holidays.

Adam and Eve decided they were the same gender and saved the hassle of putting on fig leaves.

Noah’s Ark never existed. However, Loners Ark, where there was one of everything, did. How did they reproduce, you ask? They didn’t, because they wanted to remain alone.

After Sodom and Gomorrah had their marriage certificate notarized, they went on their honeymoon to get officially sodomized. After which Gomorrah started their first marital tiff: “Why “sodomize” and no “gomorrahize”?4
When Samson got caught in hairy situations cheating on his wife, his alibis got stronger.

Moses waited forever to hear from God. When he didn’t show up, Moses came down the mountaintop and gave his people the zero commandments.

Jesus spent his 33 years searching for his real father. Never finding him was a heavy cross to bear.

Thanks for reading this. And may nobody be with you.

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