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November 12, 2016

Notarizing the Health Records of Hillary and Trump

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:03 pm

Notarizing the Health Records of Hillary and Trump

Are you sick of the presidential election season yet? It doesn’t matter how sick you are of that, or how sick you may be from actual maladies as far as the overall electorate is concerned. But if you’re running for president, we need to know you have a clean bill of health. And with Trump’s hippy-dippy doctor declaring him the most amazingly fit candidate ever to run for president (an assessment that the doc himself said took five minutes to come up with) and with Hillary’s wobbliness in the heat turning out to be mild pneumonia, we need to be sure their medical records are official and legit. What better time for Notaries Public to do just that by serving your country and notarizing the health records of our potential leaders?

First there’s Trump. Can he swear under oath his prostate isn’t enlarged? Doubtful for a man of 70, but perhaps. Or compared to his tiny hands, maybe his prostate just seems enlarged. Can he swear under oath his ego isn’t enlarged? Even more doubtful. But if he does manage to swear under oath, it will be the best, most amazing, fantastic swearing under oath any future president has ever done, believe him! And if you believe that, you’ll believe he’ll have Mexico pay for his wall of silence over his tax returns.

Then there’s Hillary. She takes medicine for an underactive thyroid. Can she swear under oath her tendency to delete important emails will be even less active than that thyroid of hers? If she was a little fuzzy on what constitutes “classified” information, and the potential first first gentleman parsed the definition of “is” during Monicagate, can a notary confidently affix his seal on documents that champion their exercise regimens for staying in shape by “bending” things (like the truth)? Just being an equal opportunity offender here. P.S.: Bending the truth beats eviscerating it, but enough about the Donald.

Speaking of which, Trump is borderline obese. If he’s not going to lose the comb-over, he should at least try losing a few pounds. He should admit to the notary public that he is aware of his borderline obesity and the consequences of executing the document by signing it, stating he promises to lose a few pounds. Fat chance, even fatter than his BMI. (Body mass index.)

And Hillary should sign a document admitting the how truly sick she is… of Trump. You don’t expect her to tell us she’s really sick, do you?

I’m Jeremy, and I approved this equally partisan message.

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