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August 12, 2016

How to make serious money notarizing Russian Mafia

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:33 pm

Normally, I try to stay away from non-criminals as they rarely have the cash to pay me well. The way I look at it, an unsuccessful criminal will wind up dead or in jail. But, one who is neither unsuccessful nor in jail will have some serious cash.

NICOLAI: Hey, Jeremy, we need you to notarize deal for us.

ME: Great. What is the document name?

NICOLAI: We don’t have name for document yet. You think of name.

ME: Well, what is the document about?

NICOLAI: We don’t have document either.

ME: Some criminal you are! You give criminals a bad name.

NICOLAI: That’s the point, isn’t it? Don’t joke. I am good at what I do.

ME: Well, why don’t you write one up?

NICOLAI: That is part of problem. I cannot read or write. Part of reason I was forced to become criminal. Nobody would hire me except as busboy, and I have tendency to break dishes — and bones, not necessarily in that order.

ME: I see. So, should I draft this one for you? I’m not an attorney, and cannot write legal documents.

NICOLAI: Oh could you? That would be wonderful. But, I am hungry. I have bite. This is called Moscow Fried Chicken. It’s finger breaking good.

ME: Must be a hit with your friends.

NICOLAI: More of a break than a hit, but still popular. I listen with some Shostakovich. Classical Russian music. Very dissonant. That’s why I like it. I remember taking music lessons as kid practicing Shostakovich. My teacher would always say, “No, even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right.”

ME: I can relate. When I receive inaccurate ID that sounds wrong, it’s still not right. Okay, I’ll write something up. Contract for the sale of 12 Russian Military SVD sniper rifles.

NICOLAI: Maybe we call it something else on title so if journal gets audited we don’t all end up in jail.

ME: You’re the one ending up in jail buddy, not me. I play it straight around here.

NICOLAI: We call it 12 girl scout cookie arrangement.

ME: Perfect. But, we ain’t exactly selling no girl scout cookies here, you know? I’ll stamp it with my semi-automatic Notary seal. Sign here.

NICOLAI: Yes, that gets me to my second point. Which of my fake ID’s should I use for the transaction?

ME: Neither. I’m fingerprinting you and you’re using your real ID. It shouldn’t be a problem. After all, you’re just selling girl scout cookies.

BORIS: He knows too much — BANG!

ME: I don’t know anything except the nonsense he told me.

BORIS: Never mind. He is dead, not you. Do you notarize coffin contracts?

ME: Yes, and we can use the name girl scout boxes in the title of the document. That is what I suggest.

BORIS: You are my kind of guy.

ME: Is the coffin for Nicolai?

BORIS: No, it is for you!

ME: Uh-oh!

BORIS: No, of course it isn’t for you. I wouldn’t waste a coffin on you. You flatter yourself.

ME: So you let me live?

BORIS: This time! (wink– wink!)

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