Disclaimer — this blog will not be suitable for those of you who take pleasure in taking offense at everything. For those of you adults who relish in being offended, I recommend you hang out on college campuses where you can make some friends on your own maturity level and mentality.
Once upon a time, there was a nice Notary. But, this nice Notary (named Sam… or you could call him “Sam the nice Notary” if you prefer) got stepped on too many times by everyone from politically correct a-holes to women, to mean people in general, to mean people who dispatch jobs at signing companies (who often use SnapDocs, but not always). Sam had had enough. So here is what he did.
Sam was at the car dealership and these two inconsiderate and condescending blond women in their 30’s had brought their big doggies. Sam was an animal lover, so he talked to the doggies in a nice, but slightly high pitched voice. The ladies looked at him and laughed since he wasn’t acting manly enough for their taste. Then Sam talked a little more to the doggies (Sam is convinced that animals understand him) and learned some things from the doggies. He also was considerate enough to let them sniff his Notary seal and lick it a little bit.
SAM: Umm…. ladies… I just had a little talk with your doggies. And they wanted me to relay this message to you. They tried to tell you themselves, but you don’t really understand animal language too much.
CONDESCENDING LADIES: Yes (laughing)
SAM: Doggie says you are too rough with him yanking him around by his leash, and you also don’t talk nicely enough either. He says you need to act more sensitive, and also more feminine with him. And if you have difficulty doing that — just use the same technique I use — pretend that you are a woman!
CONDESCENDING LADIES: What? Uhhhh! (in shock)
NEARBY GUY: That was cold bro. I love the way you handled that. Whatever you’re reading, I need to start reading.
SAM: It’s a book called “Turning the S&*T around.”
NEARBY GUY: I’m definitely going to check that out on Amazon.
Then, the Notary walked down the street and saw a very lovely looking lady. He casually winked and the dialogue went a little like this:
NOTARY: “Hi beautiful.”
LADY WALKING BY: “If you think that line is going to work with me, you’ve got another thing coming.”
NOTARY: “Oh no, I think you misunderstood me. I didn’t say that your ATTITUDE was beautiful, I said that you were.”
LADY WALKING BY: “Ouch!!! I deserved that.”
NOTARY: Sure did.
The next day the Notary went to a restaurant and sat next to two young 25-ish Asian (Chinese-American) females who were complaining about men.
ASIAN GIRL #1: (squeaky high pitched voice) Hey Shelly, I just hate it when white guys like me. Ohhh. I think they have an Asian fetish or something.
ASIAN GIRL #2: I know, don’t you hate that? Why can’t they just stick to their own kind? Why do they have to like us?
NOTARY: Ladies, I just overheard a conversation between two Asian ladies down the street who were about 32-ish which seems to be about seven years older than you. They looked just like you, and guess what they were talking about?
ASIAN GIRL #1: Umm, what?
NOTARY: The first girl was crying and said, “Men don’t approach me anymore. They used to, and I took it for granted and now I’m 32 and they don’t even notice me. Boo hoo. Do I look over the hill? I’m still attractive aren’t I? That’s you guys in just a few years. The clock is ticking so if you’re not married, stop bitching and find someone you do like rather than complaining about people you don’t like. That’s as stupid as complaining about bad offers from companies on SnapDocs. The bad offers aren’t the problem. It’s the lack of good offers. So, let’s get going – tick, tick, tick.
ASIAN GIRL #2: Oh. That guys right. Pretty harsh. We’re a bunch of ingrates and don’t realize how good we have it. We’re like two girls who are the ONLY two girls on a desert island where there are 200 men who are all competing for us who have no other choices, at least no other choices that they are comfortable with.
Some of the men are Chinese, white, black, Filipino, etc., and all fighting over us and we just treat them like they don’t exist. They are probably going to die celibate and instead of being sympathetic, we laugh at them — that is until we also end up old maids playing video games just like how I imagine they spend their Friday nights. Thanks Notary man, or whatever we’re supposed to call you.
NOTARY: Ouch!!! The way you put that… Oh and one more thing. White guys have feelings too, so try to think about that. And a preference isn’t a fetish, otherwise you would have to accuse your Chinese-American guys of having an Asian fetish and I’m sure you don’t think of it that way.
ASIAN GIRL #1: Hmmm, that’s a really interesting thing you just said. I’m going to turn that around on the next Chinese guy who shows interest in me just to mess with him during the six years when I still can. Milk it for what it’s worth baby!
NOTARY: And in case my advice doesn’t pan out… or in your case wok out (sorry for the stereotype), I know a great place with great selection of cats.
ASIAN GIRL #2: Yes, thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m going to start looking someone with a stable job who wants to get married the minute I get home on “stable guy who wants to get married.com”
NOTARY: Oh, and one more thing. If you have a Notary fetish, here’s my card. (wink)
ASIAN GIRL #1: You are making me feel so low, and I totally deserve this. I’m so insensitive because our campus only cares about being sensitive to black transgender people. Any other category of people no longer gets any sympathy for anything and it’s considered appropriation to even talk about any other people. And last month it was Jews who got sensitivity, but only Sephardic (am I pronouncing that right?) and not Ashkenazic or Felashim. Isn’t this system of who we are forced to be nice to a bit arbitrary and illogical? No wonder I’ve not learned to be sensitive to humans in general. But, I have an affidavit I need signed for this matrimony website, so I might be seeing you sooner than you think.
NOTARY: Hey don’t knock it. Some ladies love my service so much they have to have it at least once every month.
ASIAN GIRL #2: You weren’t kidding when you were talking about fetishes!
NOTARY: Hey ladies, one at a time… please!!!